Sweet Hell
by Mikigotagun
Summary: I had to let go a tint of CRACK as I'm filled with expressive humor. Have to read to see.
1. Chapter 1

AN: I like to surround myself with people who share in my inappropriate behavior, dirty, sick and twisted sense of humor, and my undying love of either Fullmetal or chocolate depending on my mood. This story has a lot of sexual innuendos mostly coming from the conversations around my house and in the car between me and my women( Noah, Riza and Winry, Envy keeps me on my toes too, I, Edward never have a dull home life.) This story consists of lots of Crack (after my last psychotic story I needed to let loose) lots of sex, and some drama mixed with confused emotion. I also brought back Lyle from my story 'May I have this dance' my nephew's character.

Sweet Hell

Amestris University was one of the top schools in Amestris where all the elites sent their children to become promising upstanding citizens unfortunately there were a few bad apples as the dean of the school looked over his list of oddball students.

First on the list was one Edward Elric. Male stripper at Sweet cheeks by night, Chemist and Physics major by day. Edward was a ladies man ever since he and his childhood girlfriend Winry Rockbell had broken up for the third time since beginning college. Now he was a handsome guy at 22 years of age and a senior, with his waist length golden locks, huge golden eyes women just fell for and his firm muscular body from being a black belt in martial arts. Still in love with Winry he tried to cover it up by sleeping with anyone he could.

Roy Mustang: Bouncer at club Sweet Cheeks (Male strip club) by night, Criminology major by day. Mustang was a muscular guy at age 22 years of age and a senior in college. His shoulder length black hair and dark eyes put him in the running with Edward for chicks. Edward Elric's best friend and partner in crime, He also carried a torch for one Riza Hawkeye who didn't even know he was alive.

Alphonse Elric: Waiter at club Sweet Cheeks by night, History major by day. At age 21 years of age Al was a handsome guy himself with his shoulder length golden hair and golden eyes that only gave his brother a run for his money. Now a junior in college he was also nothing like his brother, he was always getting in trouble leaving Ed to bail him out.

Lyle Dupre: Loiterer at Sweet Cheeks by night and pot dealer and sometimes days, Just trying to make it through school by day. At age 21 and a junior Lyle had no real goal in life except his pot. His dark long hair and huge blue eyes that were hidden behind his bangs made every girl wonder. His only real goal in school was how high he could get before class if he made it to class.

Winry Rockbell: Stripper by night at the Pouncing Pony, Mechanical engineer major by day. At age 22 and a senior she was a gorgeous blonde with ass length hair, beautiful huge sapphire blue eyes and a body any guy would die to get his hands on (and Edward had his hands everywhere on that body and then some) still in love with Edward she bounced from guy to guy never giving anything to them she had already given to Edward and that sometimes turned them off.

Alina Monrey: Waitress at the Pouncing Pony by night, Nursing major by day. At age 20 and a junior (she was very smart) she was a stunning girl with really dark red hair below her shoulders with bangs and her yellow orange eyes that Edward loved to stare into. Edward's friend for eight years she was almost like a sister to him (actually he called her his Squeak Toy because every time he came near her or touched her lately she squeaked) and she became his keeper and the one that looked out for him. Not to mention he teased her about her skirts that only went below her ass cheeks as he tried to look up it.

Riza Hawkeye: Bartender at the Pouncing Pony by night, Ammunition major by day. At age 22 and a senior she was a striking woman with long blonde hair and beautiful golden hazel eyes she was focused in her career wanting to join the military. Her days consisted of brushing off Roy's advances and focusing on her studies when she wasn't beating the hell out of guys at the Pouncing Pony.

Noah Braxon: Waitress at the local pizza place by night, Art major by day. At age 20 and a sophomore she was a dark haired beauty, huge dark eyes and a golden skin color from her gypsy background. A mousy girl that didn't talk much and secretly had a crush on Edward (then again what girl didn't) and she does everything for him. She had some trouble keeping a place to live (not making much money) so Edward had suggested she move in with them and he'd take care of her part of the rent.

As he finished looking over the list Dean Falman just sighed _'I cannot make it_ _through another year with these kids_.' He thought turning and looking out the window at the kids pulling up to start their new year. That's when he spotted Edward and his band of misfits strolling across the grass. He turned to see Mrs. Rockbell walking towards him and knowing their heated past Falman just sat back '_Oh this is going to be good.'_ Watching as Winry walked up with her soda in her hand there was a confrontation between her and Edward and as she turned to walk away she took the lid off her cup turned back around and threw it at him. But Edward anticipating her move ducked and it hit Lyle instead '_Damn so close'_ Falman said turning back around in his chair _'Welcome to another fun filled year of pure insanity Falman.'_ He thought shaking his head.

About five minutes later Edward burst through his door "I'd like to make a complaint I was almost assaulted on school grounds Dean Falman."

Falman knowing about Edward and Winry's relationship turned to him and sighed "Whhhy Mr. Elric did your ex-girlfriend find out you were sleeping with half the student body."

"I resemble that remark and it's not half their student bodies it's all their bodies." Edward said straight faced as Falman just face-palmed then looked up "I saw the whole thing Elric and with what you've put that girl through I saw no assault going on."

Edward scoffed "Yeah I knew you'd take her side with a body like that." Falman jumped up "HER BODY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!" although if girls looked like her while he was in school he would of enjoyed it better.

Edward turned and waved over his shoulder leaving his office "Yeah, Yeah tell me another one." Muttering under his breath, "Pervert."

Walking out of the dean's office Edward noticed a young girl he hadn't seen around before she looked of oriental descent and she was a looker. So he decided to go up and introduce himself "Hey" he said walking up behind her "Haven't seen you around here before." She turned and she had the most beautiful dark eyes he had ever seen "I'm new now if you'll excuse me I have to catch up to my friend." She pointed down the hall and Edward turned to see a guy of the same descent, with long black hair as he waved to the girl and she walked fast towards him. Edward yelled after her "Hey can I get your name?" She turned and yelled back "Lan Fan" she pointed to her friend "And this is Ling Yao."

"EDWARD" he yelled pointing to himself as she smiled and they walked off down the hall. _'Lan Fan'_ Edward thought as he studied the dark haired beauties ass as she walked off.

"I see you found your new conquest?" Mustang said walking up behind him and putting his hand on Edward's shoulder "Watch out for the guy I hear he's like a watch dog over her." Edward turned and smiled "Well then I better get some dog biscuits to keep him busy." Mustang smiled as they both walked to class. Upon entering Physics class Edward saw Winry flirting with some guy and he rolled his eyes as he walked over to a desk and sat down. As she saw him she turned and walked over and sat on his desk "Ed I'm sorry about this morning but after learning about you and that bitch Rose I couldn't control myself."

He looked at her and slightly smiled as he thought how hot she looked when she was jealous "Really" he said placing his hand on her thigh and moving it up as she reached down and caught it before it made it under her skirt. She never could resist his advances and she loved the sex they had. "I tell you what Ed, give me a ride to work later and I'll rock your world." His little soldier in his pants did a jump as she winked and got off the desk and walked to her seat. He never was able to resist a freebie from Winry '_Damn that girl's hot'_ he thought to himself '_Now tell me again why you broke up with her you fucking idiot?'_ he thought for a minute and then remembered all the fights and her throwing shit at him '_Oh yeah'_ the visions still haunted him in his sleep but he couldn't say no to her…..eveeer and she knew she had him by the balls. He put his hands on each side of his head as he gathered his hair into a ponytail and put the hair tie in it then he relaxed for class as the teacher came in.

After class he met up with Michael Envy another grade school friend of his. "Hey Ed I heard you were with that chick who works at the mini mart." He demonstrated big boobs with his hands "You know the one." Ed just shook his head "Yeah she didn't last long." He gestured with his hands "A lot here but not much for stamina." Envy got a puzzled look "Really one would have thought she could go all night." Ed shook his head "Nope" then he went to walk off "Are you gonna need a ride home Mike?" Envy smiled "Yeah my cars in the shop again." Walking off Edward waved over his shoulder "Alright meet me here after school. I have to give Winry a ride to work." Envy snarled knowing the hell that girl had put his friend through the last time they were together "Why do you still do things for her?" Edward turned and smiled "It's the fringe benefits that keep me going back." Shaking his head Michael had to agree "Yeah I guess I would too." He whispered under his breath walking to class.

Edward walked down the hall and saw Alina getting a drink of water trying not to bend over that much due to her skirt being too short. He thought this was the perfect opportunity to goose her. So he walked up behind her really close and bumped his crotch to her ass "Nice buns Squeak" she jumped and turned around "Ahh" squeaked in a high pitch then punched him in the stomach "Edward what the hell I almost ate the drinking fountain."

He gave her a once over "You better watch bending over like that one day you're gonna get more than you bargain for." She smiled shyly "And I suppose you're the one who'll give it to me?" He gave her a smirk "Any time baby, Anytime" she rolled her eyes "In your dreams Ed" he laughed as he walked off "No I've already had you there." She watched him strut off "He is such a playboy" looking at his ass "But what a hot one at that" she looked around to make sure no one heard her.

Getting through the rest of the day was easy as classes ended and everyone met at Edward's car. His car was a 1969 charger with a V-8 engine in it, Painted cobalt blue with white stripes, black leather interior and in mint condition. Noah, Envy, Winry, and Lyle were all waiting beside it as he walked up. Unlocking the doors they all piled in and he started the car and drove out of the parking lot.

"I'm taking you guys home then I'll take Winry to work" He told them all as he turned and smiled a sly smile at Winry and she blushed. Just then his cell phone rang "Shit" he reached up to the blue tooth in his ear "What! I'm driving" upon listening to the person on the phone he swerved the car as he screamed "WHAT! YOU HAVE FUCKING GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" shaking his head "FIIIINE I'm ON MY WAY!" he pushed the gas pedal and apologized to everyone "Sorry people we have to make a detour. It seems my brother is drunk and streaking down Main Street with a cucumber duck taped to his crotch" Edward looked at Envy in the rearview mirror "You remembered to put extra clothes in the trunk after last time right?" Envy grinned "Yeees and I also have rope to."

Edward smiled a huge smile "Good man" he turned to Winry "Don't worry baby I'll have you to work on time if we have to hog tie him and stuff him in the trunk."

Driving into town "Everybody keep your eyes open last time he popped out of a dumpster and scared an old lady and almost gave her a heart attack." Edward said scanning the streets as he looked in the rearview mirror at Lyle "This better not have been you're doing." Lyle looked at Edward with his half open eyes and gave him a 'I'm totally high grin' "Duuuuude I was with you all day. It wasn't like last time when I gave him tequila and ecstasy."

Just then out of the corner of her eye "Edward there" Winry pointed as they saw Al standing in front of a store naked having a conversation through the window with a mannequin.

"Envy, get the rope and clothes" Edward said pulling the car over to the curb and getting out. "ALPHONSE! WHAT IN ALL THAT'S HOLY ARE YOU DOING?"

Al turned with a stupid jacked up grin on his face "Heeeey Bro" he looked down "Do you like my maaanhooood?" he sang wiggling his hips back and forth.

"Al that's a cucumber not your real pecker." Edward said walking towards him as Al tried to bolt off running "ENVY THE ROPE NOW!" Envy hung out the window and began to swing the rope around in the air like a lasso then he let it fly lassoing Al's feet and bringing him to the ground as Edward tackled him '_Geez this is one thing I wasn't planning on doing today. Wrestling a naked guy who happens to be my brother to the ground.' _Envy jumped out of the car with Al's clothes "Quick get them on him" Edward said struggling to get Al's clothes on.

"I can't get them past his crotch" Envy said yanking on Al's pants.

"CUT IT OFF!" Edward yelled putting his shirt over his head. Envy froze "What the cucumber or his-"Edward cut him off "THE CUCUMBER OF COURSE!" Envy took out his knife and sliced off the cucumber then they hog tied him and threw him in the trunk.

Jumping back in the car Edward checked his watch "See that only took twelve minutes. Now back on schedule." He turned the car on and started to drive again as Al's cries from the trunk slowly turned into silence and Edward hoped he had passed out and not threw up in his trunk. But he was smart after the last time with Al he had his trunk lined with plastic. Driving up to their house Edward dropped Envy, Noah, and Lyle off at the six bedroom, four bathroom mansion on the hill. Then looking over to Winry he smiled "Are you ready to rock my world baby." She smiled as she gave him a seductive look "Just drive the car Elric and I'll drive you." Winry remembered the first time she and Edward ever had sex and from that point on she realized she never wanted anyone else and she hadn't slept with anyone since him even though she had a lot of boyfriends. After they broke up they still had there occasional sexual encounters and each time it had gotten more extreme but this time she wanted to blow his mind.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: My friend saw this on facebook "Women are like shed roofs, if you don't nail them hard they'll end up next door." (let's see how that goes for Ed) I'm SORRY BUT I WARNED YOU IT'S GOING TO BE FULL OF SEX AND A LOT OF CRACK!

Sweet Hell chap.2

As Edward drove down the road Winry looked over at him then scooted over towards him as she turned on the radio. Getting an urging feeling as Nickleback's 'Animal' came on the radio she got on her knees in the seat and turned and straddled Edward's lap while he was driving. Looking at her shocked Ed tried to look around her at the road "Winry I don't think this is very safe." He said as she jammed her tongue in his ear and the sheer exhilaration he got from having her on his lap and not to mention the adrenaline rush because they were doing this while driving sent him into a sexual hot zone as she trailed her tongue down his neck.

"Well then Ed I suggest you pull over because I can't wait any longer." She smiled putting her finger slowly into his mouth then pulling it out and trailing his lips with it as she moved slowly back and forth on his lap. '_Oh my dear God I'm going to_ _crash_' he thought trying to find the first turn off he could. Spotting a clearing on the side of the road he turned in and held onto her waist with one arm as he slammed on the breaks and turned the key off. When that happened there faces were stuck together like fly paper with tongue flying and heavy breathing as their hands went all over each other as he struggled to get his pants down below his hips.

She was wearing a little mini skirt as he put his hand up the back and found the top of her thong, sticking his finger under the top of it he traced it down past her butt cheeks and found the spot he was looking for. He loved making love to Winry it was about the only thing they did great without fighting about it and they fit together perfectly. As she got more wet he got more hard then it was just a matter of getting a condom on before he exploded all over her and himself as he moved her thong to the side. As her boobs bounced in his face he reached up and pulled her shirt down to reveal them as his tongue went out to caress the nipple of one and she arched towards him "Hurry Ed" she whispered in his ear as he fumbled to get his hard shaft into her. '_No baby that's the gear shift'_ he thought as he pulled her forward and sat her atop the thing that had a mind of its own at this point. When they came together both of them moaned in pleasure as she began to move slowly up and down on his lap, pushing her hands under his shirt to feel his muscular stomach as he teased her breasts with his tongue. Moving faster to the beat of the music the lyrics described exactly what was taking place, as both of them were carried to a sense of exoticness. Faster and harder she bounced as he let his shaft slide in and out and she started moaning "Uh…Uh…" then louder till she was yelling "UH…UH…AHHH…AHHHHH!" she couldn't take it any longer as she started pushing herself harder down on him driving his shaft deep into her as he grabbed her ass with both hands and began to push deep inside "ED…..WAAAARD" she yelled. It had been months since they had broken up and it had been that long since she'd had sex. Being with him was the only true pleasure she got and he was happy to oblige. When he had sex with anyone else that was all it was was sex but with Winry even screwing in a car in a field he had just drove into to him was making love. As they both hit their climax they stopped and breathed heavily as she sat on him for a moment and shook as he just held onto her as they caught their breath. Leaning back she stared into his amber eyes and he cracked a grin "I would have to say Winry that was a mind blowing experience, especially in the car." She grinned still breathing heavily "Yeah…I've….never…done anything like that before."

That was when they heard the pounding and screaming from the truck and Edward laughed "I fucking forgot Al's in the trunk." He looked at Winry "He probably got an ear full." Winry lifted herself of Edward's lap and collapsed in the seat next to him "How come we have such great sex but we can't be together Ed?" He reached down and pulled his pants up and then leaned over and kissed her "I don't know Win." Then he grabbed the door handle as she lit a cigarette "But I need to check on Al."

She sat there and smoked her cigarette thinking about all the stupid things they had fought about. Looking down she noticed her boob still sticking out so she tucked it nicely back into her shirt. Then pulling down the visor she looked in the mirror as she fixed her lip stick and wiped the mascara from under her eyes that had formed from sweating while they were screwing. She heard him slam the trunk after a few aggressive remarks to Al and he got back in the car. She didn't want to go to work today and let guys try to grope at her all she wanted was to stay in this field with Ed. As he went to turn the key she reached over and grabbed his hand "No Ed I don't want to go yet." He knew by the look in her eyes that she had something on her mind so he turned to face her in the seat "What's up Win? You've been acting really strange the past couple of days?"

She had been thinking maybe they should try again with their relationship. She wanted him back after hearing about all the girls he had been with. So she just came right out and said it "I think we should get back together Ed" not to mention she missed the great sex. He scrunched his face up "I don't know Winry we haven't had that great of a track record."

"Hear me out Ed" she sat up quickly "I can change, I won't be that jealous when you talk to girls anymore and I'll give you your space." Before she usually suffocated him, he never had time to himself because she always wanted ever bit of extra time he had. Not to mention the hell it was having a girl for a lab partner in chemistry class and Winry accused him of sleeping with the girl. Although after they broke up two days later he did sleep with her.

"Let me think on it okay?" he said putting his hand on her thigh and he liked the way it felt. If she could pull off what she just said he wouldn't mind dating her again, Hell he'd jump feet first in the relationship but he knew from past experience that they would have to take it one day at a time.

Smiling slightly at her he reached and turned the key and drove out of the clearing. All the way to the Pouncing Pony where she worked he watched her as she adjusted herself and fixed her makeup. Staring down her entire body with glances '_Damn she is hot'_ but then again he always knew that. The more he thought about it the more he wanted her. So he made up his mind and as they pulled in the parking lot and he stopped to let her out. He took hold of her arm and she turned to look at him "Alright Win I'll come pick you up after work and we'll discuss it more." She knew what discussing it more meant '_Yay! More great_ _sex' _she flashed him a bright smile "Okay Ed I'll wait for you then, I get off at two a.m." he grinned and thought '_And I'll be getting off about three thirty baby.'_

As Edward returned home he walked into the house and went to the refrigerator looking down he noticed something sticky and white on the floor. Turning to see Roy past out with a bottle of whiskey on the couch, Lyle with his bong on the floor, and Envy with a beer in the recliner. Edward turned back to see Alina entering the kitchen reading a book "Alina what the hells on the floor? This is the second time I've seen this today. It looks like someone creamed on the floor."

She didn't even pull her face out of the book "Ask Envy he's been in and out of the refrigerator all day." Edward gave her a puzzled look "That just sounds gross." He then proceeded to walk over grab the bottle of whiskey, the bong and the beer and he turned around and headed for his room yelling over his shoulder "Yo Squeak, join me for a night cap and a _Fast and the Furious_ marathon?" she shrugged her shoulder "Eh why not" as she followed him into his room.

An hour later they were higher than a kite as Edward lay on the bed and Alina was behind his blowing on his neck as you would a baby's stomach to make them laugh "Ahh! quit spiting in my hair." She turned his face to her pressing their foreheads together and smashed it between her hands "My lip looks like Elvis Presley's" he said with his face squished together. "Now Edwaaaaard tell me why you were cleaning the front seat of your car? Hmmm hmmm?" he reached over and grabbed a bag of red vines and gave a few to her and in a few minutes they were wiping each other with red vines. Edward switched his 56" flat screen to a Matchbox 20 concert. As he rocked out to the music she laid at the other end of the bed reading her book for class. They had such a close relationship that he loved to tease her and as she lay there on her stomach with her legs bent at the knee and feet in the air she could feel him sliding to the side as she kicked her foot out backwards and caught him in the face "Edward you better not be trying to look up my skirt." He reached out and touched her thigh and she "Ahh" squeaked throwing her book backwards then turned around and grabbed a pillow and began beating him with it as he tackled her to the bed.

Then out of the blue they heard Lyle from under the bed whispering "Edward tie me down dude because I'M A DOOBIE!" he stuck his head out "Someone please smoke me" he whispered as Edward leaned off the bed "How the hell did you get in here?" and he proceeded to try to pull Lyle out as Alina held his legs "Don't let me go or I'll fall on my fucking face Squeaky." She then grabbed his legs higher as her face went right into his ass cheeks as she pulled her face back and looked at his ass "Please Ed don't fart." He laughed so hard he dropped Lyle as Envy walked through the door "Yay dog pile on Ed!" he clapped, running and jumping in the air he flew up and landed on Ed knocking the wind out of him and squashing his crotch.

Roy walked in rubbing is eyes "Has anyone seen my-"he stopped in mid-sentence seeing the scene in front of him. Alina's face in face in Edward's ass, Edward grabbing his crotch, Envy piled on top of both of them and Lyle rolling on the floor holding his head. Roy scratched the back of his head "Did I miss something?"

Noah walked in with a clothes basket of freshly washed clothes "Ed I did your laundry" she took one look at the situation as Ed wheezed out "Thanks Noah put them over there" she got a disturbed look "Oh my" But it was nothing worse than what she had seen living here these past few months. You see Edward, Al, Roy, Alina, Envy, Lyle and Noah all shared the house with Noah and Alina sharing a room, they thought there was strength in numbers.

Noah did most of the cleaning since Edward paid her rent. It was her way of giving back to the household, she also cooked and did laundry when someone needed it done because everyone else worked and she only worked part-time.

Edward's head popped up from the pile "CRAP! Can someone go get my brother out of the trunk of my car?" Roy observed the situation and shook his head "Yeah I'll go." He left with Ed's keys and in a few minutes a very pissed off Al came to his bedroom door "YOU'RE A DICK ED! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE THAT LONG I ALMOST SUFFICATED?" Edward being as high as he was burst out laughing, "I installed a breathing hose after last time jackass." He looked at Al and raised his eyebrows "You're still breathing right." Al thought this would be the perfect time to jack Ed's whole world up "Oh hey Ed have you told them about Winry yet?" All eyes went to Edward and he felt like a deer in the headlights "WHAT!" he yelled then sat up and scowled at his younger sibling as Al stuck his tongue out and turned to go take a shower.

Edward's head went down "Fine I've decided to give Winry another chance." Everyone sighed and groaned "Are you out of your fucking mind? Don't you remember the last time?" Squeak Toy hit him on the head three times "NO. NO. NO. Bad Ed."

He grabbed her hand "Hey that was partly my fault as well as hers." He sat on the edge of the bed and lowered his head "I love her for some strange unknown reason."

Lyle still lying on the floor looked up at Edward "Could it be her knock out body, full breasts, luscious perfect red lips, long legs that go forever-"

Edward cut him off annoyed "I GET IT LYLE!" then he shrugged "Yeah could be all that and then some.

Envy just smacked his forehead "Come on dude I can't go through you being depressed again if anything goes wrong."

Alina hugged Edward's neck "Just promise to be careful alright you asshole." and she kissed his cheek. Edward smiled at her "I promise Squeak I'll be careful."

They all sat there and took bong hits and drank shots of whiskey Edward looked at the clock and realized he had to be at work in a half hour. He groaned as he got up off the bed and went to get dressed. When he got back Envy was ready to go "I need a ride to work dude." Edward waved his arm for him to follow him as he bent down and grabbed Alina in a head lock and lightly knuckled her head "STOP WITH THE NUGGIES ED." She yelled as she realized she had to be to work in an hour and got up to go get ready. Edward turned and smiled a half-ass smile "Well I'm off to let old ladies stick their tongues in my ear again and dollars in my G-string, see you guys later." Everyone waved as he and Envy left.

As they drove to work Envy looked at Edward "So dude check this out I joined the drama team and with my last name I'm one of the seven deadly sins. Our teacher Mr. Wrath said we all need to become our sin so if I start acting like an arrogant asshole that's why." Edward laughed "You're all named after sins? So I should just start calling you Envy instead of Mike?"

Envy smiled as he crushed his cigarette in the ashtray and blew the smoke out of his mouth "Yeah dude I'm Envy now." He smiled just then Al's head popped up over the backseat "Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike guess what day it is?" He threw his hands up "IT'S HUMP DAY! YEAAAAAH!" Envy reached back and pushed Al's head down then looked at Edward "Yeah Envy dude because I can't deal with this joke anymore." Edward shook his head as he hit the gas as Al fell on the floorboard "Al how the hell are you going to work like that?" He lifted up and gave Ed a goofy smile "I'll manage brother."


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Thank you Jacklyn for your ideas I tried to work some in the best I could while trying to see through the tears of laughing so hard writing this chapter. The women referred to in the strip club are the Golden Girls (I couldn't fucking resist. My daughter's favorite show) Mrs. Vera is made up though.

Sweet Hell Chap.3

Getting to work Edward walked into the back and took his clothes off and began oiling himself up before putting on his costume. Another male stripper named Louis Greed came up to him "Hey dude your sugar grannies are here tonight." Louis attended college with Edward and he was referring to the group of 60 year old ladies that came to see Edward shake his ass every Monday night because Tuesday night was their bingo night. Edward didn't mind shaking his ass for little old ladies but he hated it when they tipped him in hundreds knowing that they were using their social security checks. He smiled at Greed looking at his costume "Hey you changed your costume."

Greed smiled and shook his ass "Yes I'm Greed the avaricious, I want women, money, power, sex, status and glory" Throwing his hands in the air "Hell I want EVERYTHING!" Edward turned while putting on his Velcro leather rip off pants "Greed huh? That's one of the seven deadly sins, let me guess drama class?"

Smiling Greed grabbed a bottle of oil and poured some in his hand "Yeah how'd you know?" Edward cracked a smile "I share a house with Envy." Turning and grabbing his leather vest and biker leather hat Edward laughed "Well I guess I better go visit my table of seniors before the show." Greed yelled after him "DON'T GIVE THEM A HEART ATTACK!"

Edward went out to visit his favorite customer Mrs. McClanahan, a sassy southern woman who loved to grab his ass. As he walked up to their table they all fused over him "Hey ya sweet Ed" Mrs. McClanahan said as he walked up and sat lightly on her lap "Hey Mrs. McClanahan how's my favorite woman in the whole world?" His charming smile, long golden hair, muscular body and huge golden eyes just made her giggle as she patted his ass.

"Are you ready for the show ladies?" He asked as she downed a drink and looked at him "Only if you're taking off all the way down tonight boy." He smirked "Why Mrs. McClanahan what would your husband say?" She laughed "My husband god rest his soul has been gone for two years. But if he knew I was happy watching you sweet thing he'd roll over in his grave." All the women at the table cheered as she slipped Edward a twenty and whispered "See Vera over there tonight is her sixty third birthday" she winked at Edward "Could you give her a little something special dear." He smiled and shook his head yes and whispered "I'll try not to make her leave on a stretcher." He got off her lap and turned as she smacked that ass of his "That's my boy."

It was almost show time as Edward went backstage to get ready to go on. He had his twenty year old table of fans, his forty year olds and his lovely seniors that he didn't want to kill. As Greed exited the stage after his dance the announcer came up "NOW LADIES I KNOW WHO YOUR HERE TO SEE. HE'S EVERYONE'S BAD BOY AND WE ALL KNOW WHY." The crowd of women roared "WITHOUT FURTHER A DUE I GIVE YOU THE BAD BOY OF THIS PLACE THAT ANY WOMAN WOULD WANT TO RIDE HIS HOG WITH." The lights blazed as the music Nickleback's 'Something in Your Mouth' started "THE ONE AND ONLY EDWAAAARD!" Edward got on stage and began his dance as the women went crazy, one girl jumped on him wrapping her legs around his waist as her laid her on the stage and dry humped her. Then spotting Mrs. Vera he walked over to the table bent over and ripped his Velcro pants off in front of her as her eyes widened then he turned and straddled across her lap not sitting on her of course because he didn't want to break the frail woman as he moved slowly over her lap. Her face turned bright red as Edward smiled at her and Mrs. McClanahan yelled to Vera "Put some money in his G-string honey." Vera grabbed two twenties and pulled Ed's G-string out and let go of it as he leaned down and gently kissed her cheek and she went absolutely crazy that he touched her and when he got off her lap she started waving her hands above her head "YOU GO BABY" she yelled as he strutted to his twenty year old table where things got into a grinding mood between him and two women.

After his act he walked off stage wondering to himself what was it about him that made women go crazy like that. But he had a G-string full of tips and he made many women happy tonight and that was all that counted even though they thought of him as a piece of meat.

After closing time the boys had set it up to where Mrs. McClanahan and her friends could stay a little bit. They were all having drinks and doing shots when Edward heard his phone ringing "Hey where's my phone? Anyone seen it?" Mrs. Arthur was lying across the table as she reached into her bra and pulled it out "Here sweetie" Edward gave her a confused look wondering how it got there when he remembered what they were doing ten minutes ago and shook his head. It was Alina on the phone and she told him she would give Winry a ride down the street to the club because she didn't want her waiting outside by herself. Edward agreed and then hung the phone up as Mrs. McClanahan grabbed his neck and laid across the bar and poured whiskey on her stomach "Here sugar drink this" as she held up a hundred dollar bill. Edward threw his phone to the side took the hundred and dove onto her stomach face first.

Winry and Alina had arrived and when they walked in Roy was booty grinding with Mrs. White on the bar, Al had Mrs. Vera in a grinding session on the dance floor, Envy was doing shots with Mrs. Arthur, Greed had Mrs. Getty in a compromising position as she stuffed twenties into his pants, then Winry turned to see Edward doing Jell-O shots off Mrs. McClanahan's stomach. The old woman was in such great shape for a second Winry thought it was a girl in her twenties but as she walked closer she realized she was older "Having fun Ed?" Edward looked up holding on to the senior so she didn't fall off the bar "Oh…Hey Win." He helped the woman up and she smiled at Winry "Is this your girlfriend Ed?" Before Edward could answer Winry put her hand out "Why yes and you are?"

Mrs. McClanahan looked Winry up and down then turned to Ed "She's quite the looker if I was thirty years younger girl I'd give you a run for your money for this one." She patted Ed's ass and he gently kissed her cheek whispering in her ear "I'd probably take you up on that too." Winry heard him and scowled a little but then realized he was just flirting harmlessly with the woman. Mrs. McClanahan looked at her "Honey this one's a keeper" she kissed Edward's cheek then slid off the bar "COME ON GIRLS PARTIES OVER THE GIRLFRIENDS ARE ARRIVING SO LETS BEAT IT BEFORE WE HAVE TO CAT FIGHT." She leaned towards Edward and whispered "I didn't bring my brass knuckles tonight so I'm outta here sugar boy." Edward and the guys waved as the older women tried to walk out the door "Good night ladies!" Edward yelled slightly as Roy escorted them to their car. Envy smiled at Edward as he downed his shot "We probably won't ever see Roy again you know." Edward laughed kissing Winry's cheek "Oh they'll let him go after their done with him."

An hour later they arrived back at the house to find Lyle had thrown a party and it was still going. All of them walked in and began their ritual of drinking and getting high. Edward led Winry into his room and she turned to him "Are we going to discuss this thing between us?" He moved closer to her as she smiled seductively at him and pushed him to the wall and began kissing him. Their kisses were slobbery and all tongue as she reached down and ripped his shirt open sending buttons flying in all directions. Reaching up and taking her face in both his hands he moved her backwards to the dresser where he flipped her around and bent her over it , flipping her skirt up he unzipped his pants as she reached back and grabbed his ass as he slid into her. They had an animal attraction to each other and the sex between them was uncontrollable as he proceeded to pound her from the back and she was fully enjoying it spreading her legs wider which only drove him more crazy as he pounded harder then he exploded inside of her. A few hours later Edward wondered where Winry was so he searched the house and found her in the bathroom, she was too drunk to open the door so she fell against it and slid down and he decided to leave her in there. Knowing he had a Chemistry test in the morning he decided to go to bed. But when he got to his room Envy had some chick in his bed screwing her brains out _'God I hope that's_ _not Mrs. Vera'_ He thought. So he stripped down to his boxers and thought he'd go sleep in Alina and Noah's room. Stumbling through the party and being as drunk as he was he got to their door. On the other side of the door the two unsuspecting girls were sound asleep because they had changed their room around instead of partying. Edward not knowing that walked through the door tripped over something and fell to the floor and crawling on all fours felt for a bed upon feeling one he just crawled into it and fell asleep.

The next morning Noah awoke to a huge surprise as she rolled over and was face to face with Edward. She screamed slightly then covered her mouth and took her other hand and poked his shoulder. He slightly stirred "C'mon baaaby" he whispered in his sleep. She poked him again only harder "Uh Edward" he was startled awake as he looked at her "W-W-What!" she pointed to herself "Uh you're in my bed." He blinked and tried to focus his eyes then he looked back at her "Did you have a good time?" She pointed down "Uh you're in your boxers." He lifted the covers "So I am" then he fell back to the bed and past out again.

During the night Winry had stumbled from the bathroom searching for Edward upon seeing the sleeping golden haired man on the couch she crawled up next to him not knowing that it was Al. She awoke spooning with him and as she rolled over and laid a tongue kiss on him he would never forget "AHHHHH, WHAT THE FUCK AL?" she yelled as she jumped off the couch. Rolling over "Hey you're the one that kissed me" Al said sleepily as he closed his eyes again.

Alina had heard Noah freaking out so she woke up to see Noah with the covers pulled up under her chin just staring wide eyed at Ed as he snored heavily. So she got up and walked over and pulled him off the bed "What the fuck Ed? You're freaking Noah out." He hit the floor and sprung up to a sitting position "W-W-What NOW!" Alina punched him in the arm "You're scaring the gypsy girl you idiot." Just then Winry walked through the door "ED WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?" He rubbed his eyes "I guess I passed out in here." Noah was still trembling as Winry glared at her "IN HER BED?" Alina jumped in "Hey it wasn't her fault."

Winry turned around "Shut up Squeak!" Alina glared at her "IT'S SQUEAK **TOY**! AND THAT'S **MRS. **SQUEAK TOY TO YOU!" muttering under her breath "Bitch." Edward stood up "HEY FUCKING COOL IT!" he looked at a shaken Noah and smiled "I'm sorry Noah I didn't mean to freak you out but Squeak's bed used to be there. I didn't know you guy's changed the room around." He turned and glared at Winry "It was a fucking honest mistake. Anyway you passed out in the bathroom." Al walked to the door about that time "Yeah but she woke up kissing me after crawling on the couch with me."

Edward turned to Winry mouth hanging open at her getting pissed off at him for a mistake "Ohhhh Reaaally!" She scrunched her face up "I thought it was you, you guys look alike from the back." Edward shook his head "Alright can we forget the mistakes now…..please." looking at Winry "We both fucked up okay?" she shook her head yes but in her mind she was plotting something against Noah.

It was later the next day when Edward returned from the store to find Noah in hysterics and Alina trying to calm her down. He had to take a double look at the dark haired beauties hair "Is that mustard?" He asked questionably as Alina bent Noah over the sink to wash it out "Yes Winry strikes again Ed."

Edward looked at Noah then Alina "Where is she?" Alina pointed to his room and he walked over and opened the door to find her partying with Al, Envy and Lyle. Walking in to the room he threw his keys on the dresser then turned to her "Winry your way out of fucking control. I thought we talked about the jealousy thing?" He pointed to the kitchen "Why the hell would you do that to Noah?"

She stood up and walked over to him and gave him a pouty face "I'm sorry I just can't control my jealousy Ed." He looked to the side "That's not going to work this time Win." He pointed to the door "Leave" she looked at him in disbelief "B-But Ed." He shook his head back and forth "Until you learn to control your jealousy I can't be with you." He faced her and with a pleading in his eyes "I love you Win but your hell on wheels in a skirt and you don't care who you hurt along the way."

"Fine Ed I'll leave." She stopped in her tracks when she got to the door and realized what he had said "Tell Noah I'm sorry" She turned to face him "I don't know why I do these crazy things. Riza told me you loved me and when you're with me not to freak out because you would never cheat on me. But I can't, I'm so damn insecure about everything."

He walked over to her "Win I've never cheated on you while we were together but you always think I am. You need to get over that and know that I do love you." Tears rolled down her cheeks as she turned to walk out the door "I'm sorry Edward I'm like a spoiled child and you're my toy. I don't want to share you with anyone."

He sighed and went after her and stopped her at the front door "That's the problem Winry I have a lot of friends that need me and you can't understand that. I always made time for you and them but you want me all the time and sometimes separation is good." She lowered her head and turned "I'll think about what you said Ed…..goodbye." and she turned and began to run down the driveway. He hated to hurt her like that because he truly did love her but the jealousy thing was a huge issue she had to get over.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Yes people these are actually conversations that go on in my house and actual incidents that happen when we go out in public not to mention actual things that have happened in my house from here on out. GOD WE ARE SO SCREWED UP!

Sweet Hell Chap.4

After the whole Mustard fiasco and Winry leaving Edward walked into the kitchen to get some ice cream looking down on the floor he saw the same white sticky spots he saw before "Envy have you been back in the refrigerator?" Envy poked his head around the corner "No why?" Edward looked around "WHO THE HELLS CREAMING ON THE FLOOR?" He asked annoyed grabbing the ice cream and chocolate syrup as Alina grabbed her pancake on a stick from the microwave and laughed and Noah almost choked on her soup sending it through her nostrils. "Whoever it is quit creaming the floor!" Edward walked up to the counter and turned to her "Noah are you okay? You look like your choking there." Putting her hand back to stop him as Alina still laughed "No. No I'm fine" Envy poked his head around the corner "Just throw some water on her she'll be fine." Both girls walked out of the kitchen snickering as Edward proceeded to wipe the sticky stuff off the floor again.

Walking into the living room Edward slammed down in one of the recliners as Envy laid on the lounge couch to the left of him, there were fans on the left side of Envy blowing at Edward as he ate his ice cream. Alina had sat in the recliner to the right of Edward. Edward's nose caught a whiff of a foul stench as his nostrils flared and he looked at Alina. Alina faced scrunched up as she looked at Edward. He turned to Envy "Did you fart?" Envy lifted up "I was just filtrating the air." Edward scowled at him "Well stop." A few minutes later same thing, Edward turned to him "DUDE! You have fans blowing right at me." Envy smiled a devious smile "That was the whole idea." After Edward got through eating his ice cream he walked in the kitchen to find Noah washing dishes "I'm sorry for what Winry did to you she can be a real vindictive bitch sometimes."

Noah shyly looked at Edward and put her hand out to take his bowl from him and his hand brushed hers. Her cheeks turned pink from the heat that rushed to her face as she shyly looked at him, looking into her beautiful dark eyes he walked closer to her and before she knew it he had lip locked her and pushed her against the counter. She was stunned at first then she relaxed and gave him access to her mouth by parting her lips as she ran her hands under his shirt and felt his tight abs. reaching his hand to the back of her neck he tilted her head back some as he pressed against her and began kissing her neck. She began to breathe heavily as his tongue trailed down her neck. It seemed to never fail every time Winry accused him of sleeping with someone he ended up sleeping with them.

Just then Alina walked into the kitchen and her eyes widened as she cleared her throat as Edward's head popped up and he turned around. She grabbed him by the nose between her middle and index fingers "Ow….Ow….Ow….OW!" he yelled as she pulled him towards her "What the fuck are you doing? She's off limits remember?" Leaving Noah breathless and standing there Alina pulled Ed out of the kitchen "Can you let go of my nose now?" she let go of his nose "Are you trying to get her killed? If you sleep with her and Winry finds out she's going to make that girls life a living hell. Not to mention you just want to sleep with her what happens after that around here? She'll feel awkward and you'll forget about her, don't play with her feelings like that Ed." Edward realized Squeak was right but then his attention went to her "Well Squeak what about you?" She grabbed his nose again "Forget it Ed not in this life time. Now leave her alone unless you truly have feelings for her."

He turned and walked back in the kitchen where he found Noah shaking and trying to catch her breath. "Noah I'm really sorry about that. It won't happen again. I sometimes let my hormones control my thinking." He looked into her dark eyes again as he was in a trance by them walking towards her "I just get lost in women's eyes" before he knew it she had lip locked him and shoved her tongue down his throat as Alina's words echoed in his mind. He reached up and pushed Noah back some "I don't want to hurt you. But in my sick sort of twisted mind I do love Winry." She stopped and nodded at him "It's alright Ed I just wanted to kiss you again. I'm just flattered you find me attractive." He smiled at her "Are you kidding your gorgeous with your eyes and dark skin." Al walked in the kitchen and burped "Hey brother we need to go grocery shopping we have nothing for dinner." He looked at Edward and Noah strangely because of their closeness. Edward stepped back "Okay looks like we're all going shopping then." He walked to the center of the house "SHOPPING TRIP! WHO WANT'S TO GO?" a few seconds later Alina, Envy, Noah, Lyle and Al were by the door.

Getting to the store Alina put her hands on Edward's shoulders and smiled "Candy?" He sighed "Alright you guys go get your candy." The girls and Al took off to the candy isle while Envy, Lyle and Ed went to produce. Gathering stuff for salads Envy turned to Ed "What the fuck is he doing?" They both looked at Lyle who had shoved oranges in his shirt "Look Ed" he turned and pointed to them "I have boobs." Ed walked over and smacked the back of his head "Don't play with the fruit unless you're gonna buy it dildo." He rubbed his head as the oranges fell to the floor "I just wanted to see what it would be like to have boobs." Edward face-palmed as Envy walked up, "Just let me kill him now. C'mon no one will find the body I swear." Envy grinned a devious grin as Edward looked over and saw the girls and Al coming towards them. All of a sudden above the grocery store noise he heard Noah yell "EDWARD CAN YOU SEED ME?" Edward stopped and looked at her dumbfounded and almost fell to his knees "W-W-What?" she smiled holding up a bag of sun flower seeds and he reached up and wiped his brow and smiled slightly "Uh….Yeah Noah you can have sunflower seeds." He shook his head '_She's been hanging out with us too_ _much_' as they headed for the check-out counter.

Edward looked at his watch and realized his Chemistry test was in an hour so they put the groceries in the car and of to the house they went to unload them. On the way Edward's phone rang and it was Winry, She needed a ride home from someplace on the west side of town where a guy had stranded her. Edward groaned and told her he'd pick her up but she would have to wait for him at school while he took his test. So he went to pick her up she told him to hurry because she was scared and he understood why when he pulled up "What the hell are you wearing?" he'd seen her wear skimpy shit before but when he pulled up he almost asked her how much for the hour. She was wearing a pink bathing suit top with daisy duke jean shorts cut way too high and platform black knee high boots. He got out and opened his trunk and grabbed his long red jacket and put it around her "What the hell Winry are you trying to get attacked?" She lowered her head "The guy I was meeting said he wanted to take pictures of me for a portfolio but when I got there he told me to put this on and after I saw myself I just ran out." Edward sighed as his blood started to boil. There were all sorts of creeps in the town that tried to take advantage of young women. But he was proud of her for leaving "I'm sorry Win but I'm glad you left." After that he put her in the car and headed for the school as she gave him a sly look "Hey Ed why let a good slutty outfit go to waste." He smirked at her and remembered Noah "I'm still mad at you Winry." She gave him a pouty face then smiled "Well at least you're not pissed like you were." He pulled into the parking lot and turned off the car then turned to face her in the seat "Win I can never stay pissed at you that long I just wish you could realize that I truly love you, No one else just you. But you act like such an out of control bitch sometimes. If you'd just mellow out I'd give you the world." He leaned over and kissed her forehead and grabbed the door handle "I'll be back shortly. DON'T get in any trouble." Then he got out and walked off leaving her to process what he had just said. She couldn't get it through her head that he loved her and he wanted to be with her. But every time she saw him talking of smiling at another girl she became a psychotic nut case.

Roy saw Riza sitting at a café' so he went in "Well hello there." He said in a husky voice as she rolled her eyes "Hello Roy."

He went to sit down "Mind if I sit?" rolling her eyes again "Suit yourself." He tried to make small talk but she was giving him short answers then she finally came out with "Hey Roy what's Ed's problem?" He gave her a confused look "What do you mean?"

"Well Winry came home crying this morning saying he kicked her out of the house." She leaned in close to him "Is he just using her for sex because if he is-" throwing his hand up Roy stopped her "Whoa wait a minute I know your roommates and your close but I don't think she told you the whole story."

Riza's eyebrows narrowed "What do you mean?" He waved for the waitress and ordered a cup of coffee then settled in to tell her the story "Alright when they got home last night Lyle had a party going. Ed and Winry got a little drunk and disappeared for about a half hour. Then she locked herself in the bathroom and passed out. Ed couldn't go to bed so he went into Squeak's room to sleep only to accidently crawl into Noah's bed by mistake. Nothing happened, Winry on the other hand got in one of her Winry get back moods and while Ed was gone she put Mustard on Noah's head totally freaking the girl out. It wasn't even Noah's fault it was Ed's and he owned up to it." Riza jumped in at that point "And she did something stupid again." She folded her arms across her chest "I keep telling that girl she can't keep doing this." The waitress came back with his coffee and he took a drink "I'm telling you Ed loves the girl but he won't put up with the bullshit. Hell the last time before they broke up he bought her a ring. But you didn't hear that from me. He'd probably marry her if she'd get off the jealousy train."

"Yeah she is crazy for him, you know she dates all these guys to make him jealous and she has never slept with a one of them." Roy's eyes widened "Not one?" Riza shook her head "Nope none she loves him. She always says he was her first and he's all she wants. But then he goes and sleeps with all these girls and it breaks her heart."

"Wow! See that's where there's a lack of communication because he thinks she's sleeping with all the guys she dates. Don't tell anyone I told you this but it drives him crazy to see her with all those guys and he gets so pissed off." Roy snapped his fingers "There has to be something we can do to get them back together?"

Riza smiled "I'll talk to Winry again about her jealousy issues if you convince Ed she's not sleeping with every guy she dates. Because actually he's the only one that's been sleeping around." Roy bit his lower lip knowing if Edward found this out he'd feel like a real asshole for hurting her like that "Yeah."

Edward walked into the house and looked around "Where's Squeak she has a class in a half hour?" He asked Envy, Al and Lyle. Envy pointed to her room and Edward walked to the hall "HEY SQUEAK GET UP!"

"HOLD ON I'M PLAYING WITH MY PUSSY!" she yelled as Edward's head shot around and he raised an eyebrow at Envy as Envy's eyebrows narrowed. Then he looked at Al who shrugged and all of them got a puzzled look as they all walked to her bedroom door and poked their heads around the corner one on top of the other. Then Edward saw it and he chuckled and shook his head and stepped in the door. She had a toy on a string playing with her cat "Ah, it's your cat."

She looked up "What did you think I meant?" then she thought about it "Oh you're a perv." He shrugged "Well at least your pussy's having fun."

She frowned at him "Yeah but my pussy still won't sleep with me it sleeps with you." He laughed as he turned around and yelled over his shoulder "Yeah that's because your pussy likes me." Throwing a pillow at the door she yelled "PUSSY STEALER." (Oh my gosh do you think my house is fucked up right now? This goes on every day.)

He laughed "I don't have to steal your pussy it follows me." She got up and came to the living room "That's unfair" he saw the cat as it walked up and rubbed against his leg "See your pussy and I have a friendly relationship." He bent down and petted the cat as it meowed. "Ed I want you to ignore my pussy for a couple of days so I can form a relationship with it." Edward just burst out laughing at the whole conversation and he shook his head "Form away Squeak, Form away." He was still laughing as he walked into his room.

Alina went to school that day and was called into the dean's office. He had a tutoring job for her because sometimes she tutored people on the side. When she walked into his office there was a young gorgeous oriental boy sitting there, long black mid-length to his back hair, and a beautiful smile with dark eyes to die for.

"Alina this is Ling Yao he needs a math tutor are you free to tutor him?" She almost tripped walking towards him to shake his hand as she rushed out "Yeah!"

He smiled a smile that melted her heart as she reached for a pencil and paper and scribbled her address on it "Here come to this address after school tomorrow."

He smiled "Me don't know this town very well." She looked at him and pointed go up the road to the second street make a right and go to the end. It's the huge white house on the hill you can't miss it."

"Okay I must bring my friend with me though. She is sort of a body guard." He smiled and his eyes closed. "Body guard?" Alina questioned. "Yes I'm a prince I'm here studying your culture."

"Oh okay." She smiled a she followed him out into the hall way to meet the girl who guarded his body. "This is Lan Fan she's the one who'll be joining us."

Lan Fan looked at Alina "Do other people live in your house that I have to worry about?" Alina smiled and thought of the hellish things that went on in their house and LIED! "Uh, no you just have to pardon Edward. He might try to come on to you."

Lan Fan thought about the gorgeous golden haired guy she met the other day "Is he gorgeous with gold hair."

Alina smiled and shook her head "Yeah the golden haired Adonis, I see he already tried to pick you up."

"I would be delighted to meet this Edward again" Lan Fan bowed as they said their goodbyes and walked off. Ling turned and waved "Good day pretty girl I shall see you tomorrow."


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Never get in the way of a woman and her mission to get a guy. AND NO NOONE IN MY HOUSE DOES DRUGS OR DRINKS (lowers head "anymore") this is all us.

Sweet Hell chap.5

Alina came in the house that day and walked over to Edward as he watched T.V. with Envy and Roy. Walking up to him she grabbed him by the front of the shirt and pulled him into hers "Ahh" she squeaked "There's a guy, Tomorrow coming here, with his friend, a girl, DON'T TRY TO PICK HER UP!" Edward looked at her stunned "You just squeaked for another guy. How could you do that to me? You're only supposed to squeak for me! "His head lowered "I am so hurt right now" She let him go and pushed him back in the chair as she walked away "I'm warning you Edward screw this up for me and I'll castrate you."

Edward frowned and looked at Roy "Wow I guess she really likes this guy?" Envy smiled and grabbed a hand full of chips "Don't fuck it up for her dude." He raised his eyebrows up and down.

Ed was about to go talk to her when his phone rang "Hello!" he said annoyed "WHAT! YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING DUMBASS!" he smacked his head "JUST FUCKING WAIT THERE I'M ON MY WAY!" he hung the phone up and looked at Roy and Envy "I have to go pick my brother up from the police station. It seems he and Lyle dynamited a candy store because they were high and had the munchies." He kicked the couch "Oh this is fucking great I feel like sending him home to mom and dad." As he grabbed his keys and walked to the door "He's way out of fucking control." Then turned around and walked over to Envy who was taking a bong hit, grabbed the bong and took a big hit, as he blew it out "I think I needed that more than you." Then he walked out the door as Envy turned to Roy "I guess I should have told him this was laced with PCP." Roy shrugged his shoulders "How bad could it be?"

A few hours later Edward was on the bridge naked with his arms out to his side yelling "I CAN FLY!" The cops came and talked him down the next thing he knew Lyle was poking his face "Duuuude are you alright now?" he stood up "You gave us quite the scare when you tried humping the toilet." Edward looked down at himself and the towel wrapped around his waist then looked back to Lyle and Al "First I'm going to kill you two, then I'm going to kill Envy for not telling me what was in that bong." Edward tried to think of who he could call to come bail them out '_Fuck I guess I have to call Roy._' Roy's phone rang and he answered it and he burst out laughing then he hung up and turned to Envy "If I were you I'd get the hell out of dodge before I bail Ed out of jail for indecent exposure, under the influence and frolicking on a monument." Envy laughed out loud as Roy went to get Edward some clothes from his room it was then Envy realized Ed was going to kill him "Crap." Roy grabbed his keys and walked out to his 69 Mustang Fastback, painted jet black and started it and headed for the police station.

Roy arrived at the police station and bailed them all out. Edward got in the car crossed his arms and scowled all the way home. Upon reaching the house he went through the door and walked right over to Envy who was high and punched him in the face. As Envy hit the floor ass in the air Edward stepped over him and walked to his room. "I guess he's a little pissed" Envy asked standing up holding his jaw.

Roy chuckled "Uh yeah now he has to explain to the military that offered him a job after college why he has an under the influence charge on him." Envy shook his head "Ah crap I forgot about that."

The next morning Edward was coming in from work as Al walked out of his room. It was the first time in a week Edward saw his brother sober. "Hey Brother I think something bit me on the ass." He gave Ed a pleading look "Please look brother it hurts really bad, I can't even sit down." '_Fucking A, I really don't want to look at my brother's ass.'_ Edward took pity on Al and waved him over as he sat in the chair and told Al to drop his pants. Edward was stunned at what he saw he put his hand to his head and ran it down his face as Al looked back "What! What is it? Is it bad?" Just then Alina walked through the door coming in from work "ALINA!" Edward yelled and waved her over "Come look at this." She was tired and didn't really want to look at Al's bare ass "Edward I'm not in the mood." Edward laughed out loud "Oh you're gonna want to see this" She sighed and walked over and her eyes widened as she burst out laughing "What is it?" Al asked as he began to chase his ass in circles then Edward stopped him "Al what the hell possessed you to get a tattoo of a turd with wings flying out of your ass and over it it says _'Higher_ _than shit'_ ?" Al's eyes widened "Your fucking with me aren't you Ed?" Alina had left and came back with a hand mirror and sticking it where Al could see his ass "Nope he's not you moron." Al face-palmed "Holy fuck I was drunk last night." He looked at Edward "Mom's gonna kill me if she ever finds out." Edward patted Al's shoulder "Yeeeah thank god she's not changing you pants anymore."

Lyle walked into the living room rubbing his eyes "Man my back is on fire" he turned to it to them "Do you guys see anything ?" Alina burst out laughing and Edward sighed at the huge tattoo of fairy wings he had that covered his back in bright blue and hot pink "See Al at least with yours you can take your shirt off."

The doorbell rang and Alina looked at her watch "Oh god that's him" Turning to Edward she put her finger in his face "Behave yourself" she said bouncing to the door as he followed her. She opened the door to be greeted by Ling's huge smile as he waved "Hi Ya!" Edward looked behind him to the dark haired beauty and leaned down to Alina's ear and whispered "Ahhhhh, it's my little fortune cookie." Alina reaching behind her grabbed Edward's crotch "Ahh" he squeaked and she looked over her shoulder and grinned deviously "Why Edward did you just squeak?" he balled up his fist and brought it to his mouth and bit his index finger "That's quit the grip you have there Squeak." He whined out as she loosened her grip some and turned to him "Don't you have something or someone to do?" He smiled turning and limping off shaking his leg towards his bedroom.

She spent an hour tutoring Ling while Edward kept himself busy away from Lan Fan. Roy and Envy entertained her and she was totally bored with them. She knew Edward was avoiding her so she would have to figure out a way to get him to talk to her. Ling and Lan Fan said their goodbyes as Edward got ready to go to work.

As he walked out the door he noticed Al and Lyle in the yard '_What the hell are they up to now?' _He thought walking over to them and seeing the gas can and Al with a lighter '_Fuck this ought to be good'_ "Hey Al what are you guys doing?" Al smiled as Lyle walked out in a flame retardant suit "I'm gonna try to light Lyle on fire to see how long it would take a body to burn." Edward thought that was strange "Is it for school?" Al laughed "No brother we were just curious." Ed shook his head "Well good luck with that." He walked over and got in his car and went to turn the key and looked up to see Al throw gas on Lyle '_Why the fuck do I even look? This is not going to end well.'_ He got his cell phone out and called Roy in the house and told him what was going on and as he was on the phone he saw Al throw the match and Lyle go up "Hey Roy the barbecue is lit you might wanna call 911." '_My brother needs to quit partying.' _

Later that night Ed came home and on the couch was Lyle, face and hands bandaged with third degree burns, half his hair gone and no eyebrows, doped up on pain killers. Ed walked into the kitchen where Alina and Noah stood waving their arms and the microwave was open. "What the hell are you guys doing?" Alina turned and smiled "Were trying to get this fly in the microwave so we can see if it explodes." Edward rolled his eyes "Is it for school?" Noah at looked him "No we were just curious" '_Oh boy I live with deranged people.' _

Walking into his bedroom he saw Envy playing_ Tomb Raider _on his PS3. So he sat down and watched till Envy passed him the controller. It was a fight to the death to get Laura Croft to the middle of the game and four hours later Edward was ready to pull his hair out. You know when you doing something and a fly decides to try to fly in your eyeball or up your nose? And it keeps getting in your face again, again, and again until you finally snap. A fly was flying in Edward's face as he tried to make a deadly jump with Laura for the eighth time because of the fly. Envy grabbed the fly swatter and sat it next to Ed. As Ed concentrated on the game he watched the fly with deadly intentions as it buzzed his face. Finally when they were totally into the game Ed glanced sideways and noticed the fly on Envy's forehead. Reaching for the fly swatter he glanced sideways "Don't move" he told Envy taking his arm back and smacking Envy in the forehead with the fly swatter. Envy immediately grabbed his forehead "WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK!" he yelled falling off the couch as Edward dropped the fly swatter and made his Laura Croft death jump and dropped the controller and jumped up hands over his head "YES I HAVE DEFEATED THE DEATH JUMP!"

Envy stood up with a red mark across his forehead with tiny squares in it "DUDE YOU HIT ME WITH A FLY SWATTER!" Edward laughed and sat down "Yes, and you sat still for it." After the _Tomb Raider_ death jump victory he and Envy settled into watching paranormal shows on T.V.. Edward woke up in the morning staring at the back of Envy's head with his arm over him as he sat up he smacked him "Dude what are you doing in my bed?" Envy grabbed his head "We fell asleep watching T.V. you vicious asshole. If you keep smacking me in the head I'm going to get stupid." Edward threw him out of his bed "That'll never happen you idiot now get in your own bed."

Alina was in the kitchen as Envy walked through rubbing his head "Have a nice sleep?" she asked grinning from ear to ear. He gave her a puzzled look "Yeaaah why?" She smiled "No reason" as he walked off to his room and she looked down at her phone at the picture she had taken of them both cuddling and she smiled _'I'll never see this again'_ she saved the picture of her two favorite friends to torture then with later.

Edward got up and went to the store and while he was gone Winry came by. Alina opened the door "Hey Sque- I mean Alina is Noah here?" Alina crossed her arms across her chest "Why, you want to torture her some more." Winry put her head down "No I want to apologize to her."

Alina turned and yelled "NOAH! SOMEONE'S HERE TO SEE YOU!" Alina turned to Winry "Be nice" Roy, Envy, Al, Lyle and Alina watched as Noah walked out the door to talk to Winry.

As they stood on the porch Winry turned to Noah "Noah I'm really sorry about the mustard in your hair, It's just when it comes to Ed I get so crazy." Noah stood there and listened to her and as she finished Noah turned not wanting to be the meek one here she balled up her little gypsy fist and pulled back her arm and slugged Winry right in the lip. Everyone inside cringed "Ooooo" As Winry turned to Noah. Edward had driven in the driveway and saw the punch. Jumping out of his car he thought Winry was going to kick Noah's ass but Winry wiped the blood from her lip as Edward ran up and she looked at Noah "I guess I deserved that." She said looking at Ed and turning and walking away. Edward looked at Noah then back to Winry "Good shot Noah but now I'm going to drive her home." Noah thought Ed was mad till he turned and smiled at her and handed her the bag he had in his hand "I'm sorry Edward but I couldn't help myself"

"It's alright I think maybe Winry's starting to figure things out." He said walking to his car and getting in to go pick her up. Noah walked into the house and everyone stared at her "Wow Noah you got a mean right" Envy said as he did little punching moves in front of her.

Alina sighed and began to breathe again from holding her breath "You're lucky she didn't beat your ass." Alina thought Winry was trying to prove something to Edward and she thought that this might be a breakthrough in their relationship.

Roy looked at her "Yeah remind me not to piss you off anytime soon." He said walking to the refrigerator to get a beer.

Edward followed Winry down the driveway and pulled up next to her "Hey baby get in I'll give you a ride home."

She just kept walking as he stopped the car and jumped out and caught up with her. "Winry come on I'll give you a ride." She stopped and barely looked at him "No Ed its fine I'll talk to you later." She pushed past him as he yelled after her "WINRY!" He didn't know what else to do but let her go and he sighed as he walked back to the car and turned around. He knew when she was ready she would talk to him.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Hey look there actually is somewhat of a plot going on under the CRACK and sheer NONSENSE! Sometimes men just need a little taste of their own medicine or a friend to make them realize what a dirtbag they have truly been.

Sweet Hell Chap.6

It was later that night while Ed slept he felt someone crawl into bed with him. He knew who it was as he stretched and smiled a slight smile "Winry" he opened his eyes "Did you crawl through my window again?" She kissed him gently on the lips and leaned back and he saw her lip swollen and cut "Wow that looks like it hurts?" she smiled shyly "It does a little."

He leaned up and cupped her face with both his hands and licked her lip gently "Mmmm" he said as he smirked "Let me see if I can make it feel better." Then he began to ravish her lips gently as she exhaled slowly and just let him take her as she opened her warm mouth to accept his warm tongue. Trailing every part of her body with his hands he leaned back as she kissed his neck. Sliding his hands under her shirt he caressed her breasts as she straddled his lap and sat up. He looked up at her and she looked beautiful in the moonlight as he proceeded to take her right there in his bed gently though not to hurt her lip but rough in other places. As he woke the next morning he looked over to see her sleeping naked next to him and he leaned over by her ear "Good morning" she stirred and smiled "Good morning lover." He kissed her neck then leaned back "Winry I want to thank you for apologizing to Noah. But what made you do it and take the punch?" She rolled over and looked into his eyes "I love you Ed and I realized what you were saying. I so need to let go of some of this jealousy I have. You say you love me that should be enough and I don't expect anything from you after this." She got up and got dressed "Thanks for last night it was great." He looked at her confused "You're leaving?" She smiled and tilted her head "Yeah we broke up again remember. I just came by to see you lover." She then walked out his bedroom door.

Edward sat there stunned that she had just laid that on him. _'Has she truly given up the jealousy?' _he thought as he got up and got dressed '_Why then would she come to me? Unless to show me she could walk away from me'_ he didn't think on it much that day because he was trying to avoid Lan Fan again as Ling got his lesson from Alina.

Two weeks later he was sitting out on the porch thinking about everything he and Winry had been through when Lan Fan walked out "Edward" she smiled "I've finally got you alone." He looked up at her "Oh crap" He whispered as he excused himself and got up to walk into the house and as they got in the door she spun him around and lip locked him. Edward stunned at first then relaxed as she stuck her tongue in his mouth and ravished his lips. Leaning back she smiled "I want you so bad" he stared at her because usually he was the aggressive one but this girl was a tiger and he was the rabbit. She started pulling at his shirt as he stuck his hands under hers and felt her flat stomach. While both were walking backwards to his room she pulled his shirt over his head and threw it as they stumbled through the living room. There Roy saw what was happening and he could tell Edward wasn't really into it but who was Ed to pass up free tail.

Just when they got to his bedroom door Roy cleared his throat and Ed looked at him "Hey dude can I talk to you?" Edward stared at Lan Fan then back to Roy turning he told Lan Fan to wait in his room as he walked over to Roy "Hey can't you see I'm about to-" Roy cut him off "Make a mistake."

Edward gave him a confused look "What the hell are you talking about?" Roy sighed as he looked at Edward "Dude I need to tell you something and I don't want you to feel like too much of an ass." Edward catching his breath "Alright tell me."

"It's about Winry" Roy turned and walked over to the couch "I think you might want to sit." Edward was worried now "What? Is she okay?"

"Forget everything you thought she's been doing with the guy's she dates. I heard from a good source and confirmed it with some of the guy's she dated." Roy put his hand on Ed's shoulder "She hasn't slept with any of them."

"Your shitting me aren't you?" Edward smiled and shook his head realizing if this was true, he thought back to all the girls he slept with and smacked his head "I can't believe this" Thinking back "That would explain her wanting to have sex every time we were together." Looking at Roy he stood up "Damn I feel like such a jerk. That would explain all the jealousy."

Roy smiled as he stood up "Yeah dude she loves you. She wants nobody else but you. But hey you didn't hear it from me." Just then Lan Fan came to Edward's bedroom door in a sheet "Ed I'm ready." Edward looked up at her "Uh I'm sorry but this is a bad time."

Roy leaned over towards Edward's ear "Winry's been sick the past week and she's missed a few days of work and school." Edward turned to him "How come she hasn't called me?"

"I don't know but Riza says she's really sick." Edward looked around and found his shirt and put it back on and took off out the door and jumped in his car and left. _'If she hasn't been sleeping with these guy's that would explain them dropping her so fast' _he looked in the mirror '_And you you asshole have been doing everything in a skirt and her…..Your such a scum.' _

Lan Fan stood in Ed's doorway in a sheet as Roy looked at her "He's in love with somebody." She smiled "Are you?" He thought for a minute "Well I really like this girl." raising an eyebrow at him "Are you in love?" He got up slowly as she raised her finger and called him over as she dropped her sheet "Uh….Oh Hell" he said following her into Edward's room and shutting the door.

Edward arrived at Winry and Riza's house and he rang the doorbell. Riza answered it and crossed her arms "Why Ed what are you doing here?" He sighed and saw the stern look on her face "I heard Winry was sick so I came to check on her." Riza smirked "Reaaally?" he looked up and she saw the concern on his face "Yes really." She shook her head and waved him inside "Fine but she's resting. She's been throwing up for the past few days." Edward looked at Riza "Is it food poisoning?" Riza shrugged "I don't know she won't go to the doctor." He walked over to Winry's bedroom door and looked in on her then turned to Riza "Do you mind if I stay and take care of her?" Riza really didn't want to leave her alone while she was at work and she knew Ed would take good care of her so she agreed "Sure Ed that would help out a lot, thank you"

He took his phone out and called his work and told them he was taking the night off and if they needed a stripper to let Al fill in for him. The manager was a little upset because Ed was his big money maker but he soon got over it because Edward rarely asked for anytime off so he knew it must be urgent. Riza left for work as Edward settled in to take care of Winry. When she woke up he tried to get her to eat but the smell of food made her stomach queasy. He remembered something his mother used to do when he or Al had an upset stomach he had her eat some crackers which help with the nausea. Then he crawled in bed with her and lay on his back she sat up on her knees and laid her body across his chest as she fell asleep. He let her sleep for as long as she would as he worried about her because every once in a while she would get up and throw up.

Meanwhile back at Ed's house Lyle decided he was going to drive his truck, only problem was the starter was out. So he heisted Roy's keys to his Mustang and pulled it behind his truck. Leaving the truck door open he pushed his truck with Roy's Mustang only to jump out of the Mustang when he got up enough speed and ran to his truck ahead and jumped in putting it in first and popping the clutch. As his truck started he applauded himself until he looked in the rearview mirror to see Roy's car coasting into the freshly cut grass and hitting the fountain in the middle of the yard. Not wanting to stick around to see the consequences he haled ass out of the yard in his little pickup.

Envy woke up and went to the kitchen and looking out the window saw Roy's Mustang against the fountain and went to his room to find out if he was drunk when he got home last night. When Envy asked unsuspecting Roy about it he threw the covers off to go check his precious car and found it had run out of gas. Looking around he noticed Lyle's truck missing and steam poured out of his ears and nose "LYLE I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Al was in the living room trying to start a fire in the fire place as Alina got ready to go to work in one of the bathrooms. Envy sat on the couch taking a bong hit as Al came in with a small lid for a jar "This should do it" He threw the liquid on the logs and lit it. All Alina heard was a loud explosion and she ran into the living room to see Al against the wall with black soot covering his face. Envy's eyes were huge as he laughed "Duuude that was soooo cool."

"What the fuck happened?" she asked bending down to see if Al was okay. Al looked up at her "I couldn't get the fire started so I used a little Coleman fuel to light it."

She threw her hands up "Are you trying to kill us all? It says right on the can highly explosive you dumbass." She paced back and forth "I can't believe you" She then looked at Envy "And you letting him do it." Envy smiled a goofy smile "You should have seen him fly across the living room." She face-palmed, "You fucking high aren't you?" _'Where the fuck is Ed when I need him?'_ She thought as she helped Al up and brushed him off "DON'T FUCKING USE ANYTHING IN THE FIREPLACE! YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE!" she pointed "Just look at Lyle the boy has no eyebrows and half his hair."

Meanwhile back at Winry's Edward had gotten up and made something to eat. Making her some soup he stared out the window and thought about what Roy had told him. "What are you doing Ed?" She said as he turned to see her standing in the doorway, hair a mess, no makeup, and pale. "What are you doing up you should be in bed." She walked over and laid her head on his shoulder "I felt you get up and I was wondering if you were leaving?"

He put his arm around her "No I'm not leaving, I told Riza I would stay with you." It gave her some comfort knowing he would be there all night. Riza usually wondered in about 3 a.m. so it would make no sense for him to leave that late. "Don't you have to work?" He smiled at her and kissed her forehead "I took the night off."

She smiled shyly "Thank you Ed for taking care of me." Edward smiled back at her "I like taking care of you Win." He gave her a nudge "Now go back to bed and I'll bring you some soup and crackers. Well a lot of crackers because you seem to be able to keep those down." Walking back to the bedroom she realized that he was there of his own free will even after she left that last morning they were together. He didn't have to even take the time to take care of her because they weren't going out anymore but yet here he was, taking time off work, staying with her and making her soup. _'He must love me if not why would he be doing this.' _She smiled as she crawled back into bed and he brought her food in to eat. After she ate what she could he took the dishes to the sink, washed them then came back and laid down in bed with her and told her to get some rest as he pulled her close. He was actually enjoying taking the day off after all the partying they had been doing at the house he could take a day and catch up on some rest.

He was awoken by sounds of distress as he looked next to him and realized Winry was in the bathroom. So he got up and knocked lightly but she didn't answer so he pushed the door open to find her on her knees in front of the toilet and her face in the bowl. So he grabbed a washcloth and wet it in the sink and walked over and bent down next to her as she brought her face up from the bowl. He gave her a slight smile as he began to wipe her forehead. It crossed his mind as he looked at her that maybe she might be pregnant. But he remembered that he always used protection then he helped her up but as he helped her back to bed he remembered the night of the party when they had went to his room and he bent her over the dresser. They hadn't used a condom that night and he could have kicked himself right there but he didn't say anything to her because she was so sick and he didn't want to worry her as he put her back in bed. She just thought she had caught a bad flu bug and he thought he'd wait to see if maybe there was a slight chance she might be right due to the fact that there was a nasty flu bug going around.

After she fell back to sleep he sat in the living room. Riza came home and he startled her sitting in the chair in the dark "OH…Ed..I didn't see you there" she said turning on the light. She saw the look on his face "Is something wrong?"

He wanted to make sure that Winry hadn't been with anyone else and he knew if anyone knew it would be Riza, Winry told her everything. He stood up and walked over to Riza "Can I ask you a question Riza? And don't think I'm prying because I really need to know the truth."

Not knowing what he was going to ask but she'd answer it best she could "Sure Ed go ahead."

He stalled for a minute not knowing how to word it but there was no easy way "The guy's Winry dates, has she ever?" he couldn't word it to where it sounded cheap so he just said it "Slept with any of them?" Riza stood there wondering why he wanted to know as she bit her lower lip not wanting to betray the trust her friend had in her. Upon seeing that look he thought he better explain "It's just I have a strange feeling she might be pregnant and I need to know Riza."

Riza lowered her head then slowly raised it and looked directly into his eyes "No Ed she's never slept with anyone but you."

Smiling a slight smile he looked at Riza "Thanks for telling me Riza." Well now he knew and he had to get more information about this so he called Squeak because she was a major in Nursing. He asked about the symptoms and then asked what he should do.

"Well Ed if I were you I'd go buy a home pregnancy test and have her pee on it." Alina told him as she yelled at Lyle and AL as they sword played through the house. Her focus came back to the conversation "I can't believe you didn't use protection Ed."

"I know that was my fault. I was drunk that night." He lowered his head then she asked the all fated question "Are you sure it could be yours Ed?" He sighed and there was a pause "Yes I'm sure."

Alina wanted him to cheer up some "Just go buy a test and find out Ed." Just then Winry came out of her room "Hey Ed I'm feeling much better I think the flu bug is over. I want to go to work tonight." He smiled at her and then rushed Alina off the phone "She's feeling better Squeak, I gotta go." She yelled into the phone "BUY ONE ED!" than he hung up. Thinking maybe it was just a bug he forgot what Alina said as he and Winry retreated to her room for some of their favorite past time before he took her to work. As he participated in this love making session it gave him a sense of security that she had never slept with anyone but him and he vowed to himself that unless it was truly over between them he wasn't sleeping with anyone else because he couldn't hurt her like that.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: My family is so screwed up and yes I ADMIT IT! Like I said everything is taken from actual conversations.

Sweet Hell chap.7

Edward took Winry to work and decided he'd stick around for a while to make sure she was really feeling better. So he took a booth in the back and as she took the stage it took his breath away. She danced to Motley Crue's 'Girls, Girls,Girls' and as he watched Squeak walked up "Hey Ed are you sticking around?" He smiled and nodded never taking his eyes off Winry as she crawled over to a guy who was sticking money in her waist.

"Yeah Squeak." he said noticing the guy was taking a long time getting the money into her waist. So as any bouncer usually does at a strip club when he sees a guy taking too long he got up and walked over and noticed the guy had a hold of Winry's hand. Looking around Edward saw the bouncer was busy flirting with some girl so he stepped into bouncer mode being he used to be a bouncer at a strip club. Winry's eyes locked with his when she saw him approach the guy from behind "Hey buddy wanna let the lady go?" The guy laughed "I don't see no lady I see a stripper."

Edward reached his hand over the guys as he squeezed Winry's and she whined some from the pressure. Grabbing the guy's middle finger he bent it backwards and he let go of Winry's hand and she stood up. The man took his other arm and threw a punch at Edward who ducked but then got the man in a choke hold "That stripper happens to be my lady asshole so apologize." He whispered in the man's ear before turning him towards Winry. "I-I'm Sorry" he wheezed out just as the bouncer came up and knowing Edward as well as he did he lowered his eyes "I'm sorry Ed" Edward handed the guy off and glared at him "Yeah I saw you were a preoccupied. It's your job to protect them." The bouncer pulled the guys arm behind him to escort him out "It won't happen again" he told Edward as Ed turned to Winry and cracked a sideways grin then turned to walk back to his table (NOSEBLEED! AS FANGIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE GO WILD! Because fangirls everywhere love to see Ed beat up and subdue people.)

Back at the mansion Al and Lyle were getting stoned when they heard a noise upstairs. Upon investigating they saw the suit of armor in the hall move, or so they thought and became convinced the house was haunted. As they took off doing their Shaggy and Scooby Doo run through the house yelling "Zoinks and jinkies" they saw Envy sleeping in the chair and dove on him "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? YOU PATHETIC POOR EXCUSES FOR HUMANS!" he yelled being startled awake and spilling his chips.

Both of them shaking looked up "THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED!"

Just about that time Edward and Alina walked through the door and saw all three stuck in the chair _'I don't even want to know'_ Edward thought as he sighed '_Oh hell why do I even ask' "_What's going on guys_?"_

Al and Lyle jumped up "The house is haunted" Lyle's head shook yes vigorously "Yeah the suit of armor upstairs moved." Ed shaking his head and the rest of the misfit stoned Scooby gang walked up the stairs and stared at the suit of armor.

Envy turned to them "Was the cat or dog up here? Sometimes the cat likes to rub against it." Both shook their head no as their eyes widened when a strange noise came from the suit of armor and both Al and Lyle jumped on Ed.

"FUCKING AL GET OFF OR I'LL BOND YOUR SOUL TO THE DAMN ARMOR!" Edward yelled Knocking Al off and unprying Lyle's arms from around his legs.

Alina grabbed the front of Ed's shirt and pulled his face close "DON'T DO THAT THEN I CAN'T KILL HIIIIIIM! Just let me kill them." She looked around "Does anyone know anyone with a pig farm around here?" she grabbed Ed's shirt with the other hand "I SWEAR IT WILL BE PAINLESS!"

Edward reached up and pried her hands from the front of his shirt and walked over to the suit of armor and upon investigating it he found that Al's pet mouse had gotten loose and was in the armor. So he asked for some cheese and put it in there and waited and the mouse came out and Ed caught it and gave it back to Al. He held the mouse up "Mr. Freckles I wondered where you had gone."

Edward stood up "Mystery solved and ghost unmasked, now if Velma, Daphne, Shaggy, and Scooby will excuse me I have a lot on my mind." As he walked away they all yelled "See ya Fred!" He shook his head and continued his walk to his room. Alina skipped off singing "They're coming to take me away ha ha, They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha to the funny farm."

Edward showered and walked out into the living room into a conversation that he didn't know anything about. As Al brought the dog in from taking him to go to the bathroom, "I'm soaked" because it was sprinkling outside. Noah turned "What for the five seconds you were out there?" Envy felt the dog "Answer me this how can you be soaked and the dog be dry?"

"I get it it's because your taller and it hits you more right?" Envy argued as Al walked over and felt the dog "No see he's sticky in some parts" Noah looked up "You mean he's wet in some spots" Al straight faced turned to her "No on dog fur it's sticky." Noah looked at Edward "That's your brother try to make sense of it." Edward sighed, "Hell I can't even make sense of myself half the time, let alone trying to make sense of him." Edward decided he needed to clear his head so he went to the garage and pulled the cover off his 1960 Indian Harley Davidson and started it. The sound echoed through the house as Roy looked over at Envy on the couch "The boy's confused again" Envy took a sip of his beer "Yep."

Then they heard it leave the garage and barrel down the road. Alina came running in the living room "Was that Ed leaving on his motorcycle" Roy and Envy looked up "Yep" she thought '_Wow he hasn't ridden that since the last big break up he and Winry had.' _

As Ed rode down the road he thought of all the times he and Winry fought and then thinking she might be pregnant and knowing it was his if she was. A slight smile crossed his face and then faded as he remembered her running out saying she felt better and was going to work. He found himself in the parking lot of the Pouncing Pony as all the girls exited the side door. One girl saw him and yelled into the building and then she appeared, walking over to him looking a beautiful as ever "Hey Ed what are you doing here?"

He smiled and looked back at the motorcycle "I thought if you were feeling up to it we could take a ride?" She smiled at him and walked over putting her hand on the motorcycle and running it down the bike and across the seat "We had some good times on this didn't we?" he walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist "Yes we did." Closing her eyes for a minute to feel the feel of his arms she leaned back against him upon opening her eyes though everything went a little blurry and her head felt light as she swayed and he held onto her "Are you alright?" It lasted a few seconds then she smiled "Yeah just a little head rush I must be more tired than I feel."

Remembering what Squeak had told him about the symptoms lightheadedness was one and he turned her towards him "Come on I'll give you a ride home." She looked at him confused "I thought we were going riding." He turned and smiled a huge smile "They'll be plenty of time for that. Right now I want to get you home you still seem a little sick." As he got on and she got behind him she wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his back as he started it "Yeah I guess your right I am a little tired today." He knew he had to go buy one of those pregnancy tests now to make sure. But he would mention it to her when he went to buy it right now he just wanted to get her home. He got her home and dropped her off and then he left and headed home on his way he stopped at the drug store and bought the test and stuck it in his saddlebag.

Upon getting home everyone was in the living room and Noah and Squeak were having a conversation about the glitter Alina had on her. "That's why I'm Noah. I'm Noah that cleans, Noah that washes, and Noah that knows how to get glitter of people." Squeak turned and looked at Edward then back to Noah "That's great when you live in a house with a stripper." Edward looked at both of them "Did I miss something." Squeak turned to Edward "No Noah was just telling me about how to get glitter off my skin." '_Okaaaay_' Edward thought walking to the refrigerator and grabbing a beer. He turned and asked the girls where Lyle and Envy were "Oh they're outside trying to fix something on Envy's car." Edward walked to his room and into his bathroom which had a window that faced the car port where they were working on it. Looking out the open window he saw Envy holding a piece of the car and telling Lyle to hit it. The only problem was Envy's hand was between the part and the concrete as he yelled "HIT IT HARD!" Edward was about to say something out the window when the hammer struck the piece crushing Envy's hand underneath "OW. FUCK ME. SON OF A BITCH!" he yelled dancing around holding his hand. Edward just shook his head as he went back to washing his face then dried it. Upon looking out the window again they were attempting the same thing in the same position again. Edward cleared his throat as they both looked at the window and he pointed to Envy's hand that was back in the same place. Envy looked down and his eyes widened as he removed his hand from in between them then looked up and smiled at Edward, Turning back to Lyle "Hit it hard you pathetic worm." Lyle swung the hammer, success and no broken bones. Edward just mouthed '_Wow'_ as he shut the window not wanting to see anymore torture.

Walking out on the porch he sat there looking at the stars as Squeak came out "I thought I'd find you out here." She looked at his face "Hey what's up?" He lowered his head "I think Winry's pregnant." She walked over to him and put her hand on his shoulder "Did you buy the test?" He took a swig of his beer "Yeah it's in my saddlebag." She grabbed him by the nose again "That's not going to help if it's in there and she hasn't pissed on it."

"Ow. Ow. OW! I know Squeak." Letting go of his nose she turned and threw her hands in the air "When are you going to get this done Ed?" He stood up and hugged her "I'll get it done in the next two days I promise. I just don't want to freak her out." Squeak turned to him annoyed "You haven't even told her you suspect yet have you?" He took another drink "Like I said I don't want to freak her out." Squeak slapped her forehead "You'd think being a girl she might figure this out on her own."

But what Edward didn't know was she had already suspected it herself. Walking out of her room Winry looked at Riza "Riza I have to tell you something." Riza looked at her "What?" She bit her lower lip and tears formed in her eyes "I'm late. I haven't had my period." Riza not wanting her to know Edward already suspected walked over and hugged her "Oh honey it could just be stress." Winry began to sob "What if it's not? What if I'm pregnant? What do I tell Edward? He's not going to believe me that it's his." Riza caressed her head knowing full well that Edward knew it was his if she was "I'm sure Edward's a smart guy Winry and I have a feeling he will believe you." She looked at Riza shocked and sniffed "You think so?" Riza cracked her knuckles "If he doesn't I'll kill him."

Edward looked on the porch where they had baby kittens that were feral but they had been taming them. Noah came out and caught one of the kittens and looked at Edward and Squeak "Edward I need to borrow one of your sleeping pills till I get mine." He looked up "Alright go ahead" She smiled "That's good cause I already got one" He gave her a sly look "So your stealing my drugs now huh Noah."

She looked at them both petting the kitten "You know when I used to have my pills I'd sleep all night, get up early and come out here and have pussy time." She let the kitten go "It's hard to do that when I don't get a good night's sleep and I don't have my pills."

Edward laughed "Yeah it's hard to commune with pussy when you don't have pills." He bent over and caught a calico kitten "Huh kitty" both girls stared at him as he cuddled the kitten to his face "Can't get pussy if you don't have pills." He said in baby talk.

Alina turned and shook her head "Wow Ed that just sounds wrong." He looked at them surprised "Really because you didn't say that when Noah said it only in more words." She patted his shoulder "Yeaaah, it's alright Ed." Just then Alina looked up to see car headlights drive in the driveway. The car stopped and he stepped out and she felt her heart skip a beat "Hi ya pretty girl. I just had to come by and see you." It was Ling Yao looking as awesome as ever in his black pants and white half buttoned up shirt that showed the top part of his bare chest "Would you like to join me out for a drink?" Alina jumped at the chance as she turned to Edward "Well looks like my fortune just took a turn for the better." She said as she skipped off the porch and ran towards his car and got in.

The next morning Edward was getting coffee and as he poured it a voice came from behind him "Hey can I get a cup of that?" He turned to see Ling speaking perfect English "Wow did she screw the broken stupid accent out of you? Because you're talking normal now." Edward asked raising an eyebrow at him.

Ling scratched the back of his head "I don't know how she did half the moves she did last night but the accent was the least she screwed out of me."

Edward chuckled pouring him a cup of coffee "Yeah Squeak was a gymnast." He handed the cup to Ling and motioned for him to sit down at the table "She can do so very flexible moves."

Ling grinned remembering the radical sex they had last night "Yeah I experienced it."


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Okay I'm going to add some drama.

Sweet Hell chap.8

Alina went to work the next night feeling happy about her and Ling. Still worried about her friend so she called Ed and asked him about the test in his saddlebag and he told her he would talk to Winry tonight and have her take it. It was a normal night at work with only the usual creeps hanging out. Alina and Winry breezed through the night with no problems.

As it got closer to time to get off work she cleaned up her stations and grabbed the last of her tips. She noticed the three men sitting in the far corner table that hung out later than the usual customers. Another glance and she realized it was the guy Edward had a confrontation with two days ago. She didn't think much about it as she finished her cleaning and told Riza about them. They both looked over to see the men had gone so she thought they had left.

Riza finished her cleaning and they both got ready to go. The strippers were all getting ready to exit the back stage door. Riza grabbed her keys and locked the front door as her and Alina walked out to the parking lot. It was dark and all the girls had left when Riza got in her car and Alina heard a noise so she went to investigate around the corner. When she reached the corner she saw a struggle going on between one of the girls and the three men "HEY!" she yelled as she ran over and realized it was Winry and the three men that were in the bar.

Two of them were holding her and she heard the guy Edward had subdued asked "Where the fuck is your boyfriend now bitch?" Riza watched and waited for Alina to reappear so she turned her car off '_You've got two seconds to come back Alina before I get out of this car' _she thought wondering what could have caught her attention to make her walk into that dark corner.

Squeak ran up and took her purse and swung it and hit one guy in the face as he stumbled backwards "Fuck bitch that hurt!" he said walking towards her and she didn't know what to do as she watched the man holding Winry punch her and knock her to the ground. "NO!" the only thing she could think of was Winry being pregnant as she started running for the guy and the man threw a kick that caught her in the stomach and she fell down the flight of stairs that led to the park below. All she could hear was Winry's screams, her head hurt so bad and she was bleeding really bad from it. Turning she saw the contents of her purse that had spilled on the ground and there next to her head was her cell phone. Reaching over and hitting speed dial and 1 her phone called Edward.

Edward, Roy and Envy were closing Sweet Cheeks two blocks away when his phone rang. He looked and saw it was Squeak so he answered "Squeak what's up?" All he heard was moaning and faint screams in the background "Squeak" he said softly trying to listen, then he heard a very weak voice "Ed….ward….heeeelp."

"SQUEAK!" He yelled as his eyes widened and he turned to Envy and Roy "LET"S GO SOMETHINGS WRONG!" knowing the girls were getting off work they ran to Edward's car and as he started it and spun out of the parking lot towards the Pouncing Pony.

Riza had gotten out of her car and walked to the back of the building and seeing the situation she ran back and got her tire iron and headed for the guys. Swinging on one and hitting him as the other one held Winry while the one guy tried to do unspeakable things to her. Just as the guy got up and she thought she only had one shot left headlights appeared and blinded him as she swung and knocked him to the ground.

Edward's eyebrows narrowed seeing the seen in front of him as he jumped out of the car not knowing if he put it in park or not. He hit the ground feet first in a dead run as he grabbed the guy on top of Winry by the back of his pants and top of his shirt and kept running smashing his head into the brick wall. Envy was on the other guy beating the shit out of him as Roy helped Riza up. Running over to Winry Edward bent down and picked her up as he took her to the car and sat her inside "Stay here" he told her as he shut the door and went looking for Alina. Walking around he searched all over till he came to the stairs and looked at the bottom to the pile of broken girl that lay at the end of them "SQUEAK!" he took the stairs two at a time and grabbed her softly then saw all the blood "ROY CALL AN AMBULANCE!" Roy looked down as he grabbed his phone and dialed. Edward held her close "Come on Alina don't leave me." Roy got off the phone and yelled to Edward "Don't move her. They are on the way." Envy ran down and bent down beside him as he held her "Do you want me to take care of her while you go see if Winry's okay?" Edward was reluctant to let her go but he knew he had to go make sure Winry was okay. It then hit him about the baby if she was pregnant; looking at Envy he handed her head over to his lap and got up covered in Squeak's blood as he ran up the stairs.

The Ambulance arrived and they got Alina on a stretcher and put Winry in the back too. Edward looked at Roy and Envy "I need to call their parents and have them meet us at the hospital." He made the call then called his own parents and then they all piled in the car to follow the ambulance. Envy called Al and told him to meet them at the hospital because they had left so fast from Sweet Cheeks he was still in the back. Al caught a cab not changing the costume he wore because he stood in for another stripper that hadn't shown up from work.

Edward's parents arrived at the hospital and his mother walked over to him. Looking at her son she realized he was wearing black leather pants, just a cover bun from a tuxedo and a bow tie around his neck "Edward dear didn't you have time to get all the way dressed?" She asked staring at him as his father glared at him. "Hi mom" he said giving her a hug. She stared at him "Why are you not wearing a shirt?" He smiled "I'll explain later."

Al had arrived and was running through the hospital in a cowboy costume which consisted of just chaps and his ass cheeks hanging out, and a cowboy hat. He took the corner and upon seeing his parents his feet screeched to a halt as he tried to do an about face. "ALPHONSE!" his mother yelled as she saw the outfit he was wearing. Looking at both her boys "Did Halloween come early this year?"

Just then the Rockbell's showed up and were asking what had happened to their daughter. It was a little chaotic with all the questions coming at Edward. His only focus was on the room Winry and Alina had been taken into. It was like he couldn't even hear the bombardment of questions they were asking until his father yelled "EDWARD!" his focus went from the door to his father. "Your mother is talking to you son." Edward looked at his mother "I'm sorry mom." She saw the concern and worry on his face "It's alright Ed." She put her finger up as Al turned around and leaned closer to Ed "Does your brother have a turd tattooed on his ass?" She then realized what it said "Why does it say higher than shit?"

Edward looked up at her and his father as she continued with the questions "Why are you two dressed this way?" Edward sighed as he lowered his head "I'm a stripper mom." Her hand went to her chest "Ahhhh, WHAT?" she looked at her husband "VON DO YOU HEAR THIS? YOUR SONS A STRIPPER!" Then she fell back against the chair "Great Edward you've killed your mother. She's having a heart attack as we speak." Hohenheim told his son as he bent down to comfort his shocked wife.

Just then the doctor came out to talk with them "Winry's fine, Just a few really bad bumps and bruises that will heal in a few weeks. Oh and the baby's fine too." Edward's eyes closed and his head lowered then a faint smile crossed his face, now he knew, as Mrs. Rockbell shook her head "B-Baby?" The doctor turned "Yes she's pregnant." Mrs. Rockbell swayed as Mr. Rockbell caught her and sat her in a chair then turned to Edward. "Edward did you know she was pregnant? Who the hell has she been dating? Do you know who the father is?" Edward didn't answer for a moment until he asked again "EDWARD YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING OUT FOR HER. DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FATHER IS?" Edward then swallowed hard and raised his head and his arm "I am."

All four parents in Unison "WHAT!" as they all freaked out Edward got up and walked over to the doctor "What about Alina? How is she?" Everyone stopped bickering as he asked the question "We had to induce a coma because of the blow to her head. It's touch and go right now though." Edward's head lowered as he looked back at everyone then turned and went into the room Winry was in. He shut the door and walked over beside her bed and took her hand as she opened her eyes "Hey" He said turning and pulling chair up "Hey" she said smiling softly at him as he examined her bruised face "I guess we have some things to talk about?" She smiled slightly at him "I told you the last time Edward I wasn't expecting anything from you."

"Winry I have a question I want to ask you" He said lowering his head to look down as his hand went into his pocket. She thought he was going to ask her if the baby was his and she didn't think he would believe her if she told him yes. So she closed her eyes and waited for the question and the argument that would follow. But what he asked her shocked her "Winry will you marry me?" She opened her eyes to see he had pulled a beautiful ring out of his pocket and he was holding it in front of her face.

"W-W-What?" she asked completely stunned as her mouth hung open. He smiled at her then she looked at the window where their parents were standing staring in all dumbfounded. Her gaze went back to him and his amber stare "I know the baby's mine. It doesn't matter how I know but I've thought for a couple of days you might be pregnant." Holding the ring closer to her face "I bought this last year before we broke up when I was going to ask you then. But I never got around to it because we had that huge fight."

She stared at the ring stunned and she was even more stunned he didn't question her about the baby. Her thoughts were racing as she looked up at him with her big blue eyes and tears filled them "Winry don't cry. Just give me an answer."

She looked at their parents as they waited holding their breath as she looked back to Edward "Are you sure Edward?" He smiled a huge smile "Of course I'm sure. Why wouldn't I be sure?" She lowered her head "I thought you might think the baby wasn't yours." He lifted her chin to look at him "Have you slept with anyone else?" She gave him a solid look "No." He smiled "Then that's all I need to know." Lowering his head, "Now do you want to give me an answer before our parents turn into the Smurfs from holding by their breath too long."

Winry's eyes sparkled as she leaned forward and hugged his neck "Yes Ed I will marry you." He leaned her back and slid the ring on her finger then looked at their parents and giving them a thumbs up that everything would be okay now as they all began to breathe again.

Trisha turned to her younger son "Now Alphonse about the tattoo on your ass?" Al smiled a cheesy smile at her "Yeah mom?" she walked over and cracked him in the head "JUST WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?" Al grabbed his head "I was drunk mom I'm sorry."

She grabbed his ear and pulled him down the hall "You know you'll have to live with that for the rest of your life young man. I can't believe this you have a tattoo and your brother's a stripper."

Al let the huge cat out of the bag "Winry strips too." All of them gasp "WHAT!" Trisha Elric and Mrs. Rockbell both blacked out at that point having to be brought around with smelling salts. Envy was standing next to two cops as they took his statement and Trisha Elric walked over "Are you guy's real cops?" she whispered as Al smiled "Yes mom their cops not strippers." She put her hand to her chest "Finally some authority around here." She looked at her husband then her sons "Von go to the gift shop and buy your boys something to wear other than these costumes." Hohenheim grumbled "Yes dear" he returned a few minutes later with a shirt for Ed and some scrub pants he got from the hospital and a shirt for Al "Put these on before your mauled by candy stripers son." Al smiled and waved to the circle of girls at the end of the hall.

Edward came out of Winry's room and walked over to the Rockbells "This isn't exactly how I wanted this to happen. I bought her the ring last year and was going to ask her then but we broke up." He smiled at them as his father handed him the shirt "The baby just makes it a bonus deal now."

Hohenhiem glared at his son "Are you planning on supporting your family by stripping son?" Edward looked down then back up at the worrisome parents "Well Winry definitely won't be stripping from now on. But I do have a job offer from the military after I graduate. So stripping's going to have to put food on the table for the next seven month's until then." Hohenhiem just smacked his forehead "Oh dear lord have you lost your mind?"

Edward smiled at him "No dad I'm supporting my family best I can and stripping has taken care of us so far. I don't like doing it but I've supported all my friends, my out of control brother, and myself this whole time without asking for money from you."

Trisha was proud of her son at this point "He has a point Von." As she still held on to Alphonse's ear.

"Alright son but if you need anything, anything for Winry." Mr. Rockbell stepped forward at that point "You'll call us." He smiled at Edward wanting to take this on himself but both sets of parents knew what they were facing.

Edward turned and put the shirt on "Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to check on Squeak." Just the Mr. Julius Monrey Alina's father walked up "I here there's been an accident with my daughter Edward. I thought you were taking care of her?"

Edward gave him a stern look "The guy who did this to her is next door getting stitches in his head from where I took care of him, then he's going to jail." Edward looked at the room Squeak was in "I just wish I could of gotten there faster sir."

Mr. Monrey patted Edward's shoulder "Good for you my boy but she's alive and that's what counts." Edward lowered his head and knew he could have done more if he'd been there sooner.


	9. Chapter 9

AN: In this chapter are actual stupid circumstances that happened to my nephew and my husband thank god medical attention was not needed.

Sweet Hell Chap.9

Walking into Alina's room and seeing her laying there almost lifeless with her head bandaged made Edward feel very defeated as he pulled the chair closer to her bed. Taking her hand he smiled remembering the first time they'd met in junior high when some boy's had knocked her down and she was crying while they teased her. Edward got furious and he, his brother and Envy went over and beat up the crap out of the boy's. Reaching his hand out to help her up she smiled at him and they had been hanging out ever since.

Looking at her now he held her hand tightly "Squeak, you can't leave me. What would I do without your supervision and your corrective smart ass mouth." He chuckled "Alina you're….you're my best friend and I love you. Please! Please! open your eyes." Then he smiled "Guess what? I'm going to be a father Squeak and you have to be here." He sighed "Alright I can't believe I'm going to do this, and in a hospital at that but here goes." Alina's favorite band was Nickelback and her favorite song was 'Lullaby' so Edward began to sing it to her. She had always loved it when he would sing it to her in the car or around the house. Now though he was singing it to her to soothe her in a crisis. He didn't notice that all the parents had come into the room and as he sang tears weld up in their eyes as Trisha leaned over to her husband and whispered "I didn't know he could sing like that." She smiled "He must get that from me."

Al, Roy, Envy, and Lyle all pushed through the parents as they walked over and joined Edward in his song. Mrs. Rockbell smiled as she listened to the guy's sing "They all sound great. Why can't they do this for a living?"

Winry squeezed through their parents and Mr. Monrey "Because that's not who they are." She pointed to them singing to Squeak and the parents noticed the emotion on all their faces as Winry smiled "That's who they are." Then she walked over and put her hand on Edward's shoulder as he got to the last verse of the song and they brought it to a close and he leaned forward towards Alina's ear "We're all here Squeak and were not leaving till you open your eyes." A week later the doctor told Mr. Monrey that the swelling in her brain had went down so they were bringing her out of the coma. Edward sat by her bed every day after that. Then one morning she opened her eyes "Ed" she whispered and he looked up and smiled "Squeak are you feeling okay?" The rest of the gang closed in on the bed closer and she saw all her friends "Hey guys, what did I miss?"

Al smiled and held up Winry hand "Well Ed and Winry got engaged and I'm going to be an uncle." Alina smiled and looked at Edward "So your hunch was right?"

He lowered his gaze and smiled "Yeah" He looked back at her and she smiled at him "You were singing 'Lullaby'" Edward froze then stared at her "Do you remember anything else?" She glared at him "Corrective smart ass mouth huh?" then she smiled "I remember that you said I was you're best friend and you loved me." He took her hand "You are my best friend and I do love you Alina." She looked up "It was like I was on a higher plain. I could hear everything you guys were saying." She glared at Al and Lyle as they shrank back into the corner "To answer your debate no my boobs are not fake you idiots."

Edward's head shot up "AL! What the hell I ought to kick your ass right here." He stood up out of his chair and Alina grabbed his hand "It's alright Ed because I remember what he said afterwards." She didn't tell Ed but Al confessed his undying love to her thinking she wouldn't remember. She looked at the younger Elric and his face turned three shades of red as he walked forward and took her other hand "I didn't mean for you to hear that. But I'm glad you did because I needed to tell you." Edward just stared at Al wondering what he had said but then figured it was their little secret.

There was a knock on the door and Ling poked his head inside "Hey can I come in?" he asked in his sexy normal non accent voice. Edward looked up and smiled "Yeah come on in we were just going to go to get something to eat." Al turned to Ed "We were I-" Edward stepped on his foot and gave him a stern look "Yeah Al we were just going" He winked and Al looked at him "Oh….Yeah we were going." Everyone followed Edward out of the room and left Ling and Alina talking. He told her he hadn't wanted to impose while she was in the coma. He also told her he really enjoyed their night together and he wanted to do it again when she was better. He even went as far as to extend an invitation to Xing when he went back. Alina thought it was great that an actual Prince had a thing for her.

Everyone was at the house and settling down for a day of relaxation now that they knew Squeak was okay. Her dad was with her at the hospital and they planned to go back later.

Lyle was outback cleaning the pool when he picked up a bottle and asked Al "What are these dude?" Al shrugged his shoulder "I don't know smell them." Lyle like the fucking fool he was took the top off and inhaled deeply through his nose, as the smell hit his nostrils he gasped for air grabbing his throat wheezing out "I…can't….breathe." Al walked over and picked up the bottle he dropped "Oh…hey these are chlorine tablets. It says could burn esophagus if inhaled." Al turned to Lyle "Is your esophagus burning?" Lyle reached over and smacked Al on the back of the head pointing to his throat "I….Can't …..Breathe!" Al raised an eyebrow "Just breathe Dude" Lyle fell to the ground trying to breathe as Al went on with cleaning the pool.

Envy and Noah were in the kitchen and they were talking about people and how their discriminated against. Noah was telling him about how some people at school treat her different because of her dark skin and for being a gypsy. Envy turned to her "I have a great concept on life I hate all people equally I don't discriminate." Her eyebrows raised as he leaned closer "Except you my lovely and everyone else in the house." She let out a deep sigh and smiled knowing that she had real friends here and they would do anything for her even though some of them were a little strange she thought looking at Al and Lyle.

Roy had been helping Envy clean out the trailer they had in the back for camping. When Envy had went in to make a sandwich he left Roy outside to clean the rest. He had put the lamp oil they had extra into a Pepsi bottle and sat it on the counter so they could refill the oil lamps. Coming back out holding his sandwich he got to the door just in time to see Roy take three huge drinks off the bottle "Uh Dude?" Roy's face turned three shades of green as he ran outside holding his throat choking on the lamp oil trying to throw up. After catching his breath Envy smiled a goofy smile at him "I wouldn't smoke anything for a couple of hours dude." Roy walked up to him "Why the fuck would you put lamp oil in a Pepsi bottle?" Envy took a bite of his sandwich "Why the fuck would you drink it?" Roy head enlarged as he yelled "BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING 100 DEGREES OUT HERE AND I WAS THIRSTY YOU JACKASS!" Envy swallowed his bite "Next time I suggest you try to smell it before you drink it." Roy wanted to punch him in the face but the burning in his stomach made him turn and walk into the kitchen and began slamming things around.

Edward sprinted out of his room "Duuude can you be a little quieter Winry just fell asleep." Roy turned and Edward saw the fire in his eyes "Oh I'm sorry but asshole out there tried to kill me by replacing Pepsi with lamp oil and I drank it." Edward tried not to laugh because around this house it was never a dull day as he grabbed a glass, walked to the frigde and poured milk in it. Walking back over he handed it to Roy "Here drink this it should help. Don't worry I did the same thing last year remember." Roy shook his head downing the milk.

Roy finished the milk and burped, making a strange face due to the taste he then turned to Edward "So how's she feeling?" Edward smiled and looked at his room "Oh she's feeling like a woman with over active hormones and bad moods here and there. Then she wants to be held while she cries then she wants to kill me saying this is my fault." He turned back to Roy "It's kind of like Pink Floyd the Wall syndrome. You know when the face come's flying out of the wall." Lowering his head "It scares the hell out of me sometimes." Then he heard "EDWARD!" in a loud deep yell coming from his room and he whispered "Gotta go!" and took off back to his room.

Edward was up getting dressed for work when Winry rolled over and looked at him "You are a gorgeous man Edward." He smiled at her in the mirror then turned and walked over to the bed "And you're a gorgeous woman Winry and I love you." He gently kissed her lips as she smiled seductively at him "So will it be whip cream or chocolate syrup tonight?" He looked at her confused "What?" She leaned closer to his ear and whispered "My hormones are in control today, I'm a little horny Ed." He lifted his head and slightly shook it "Oooo!" then he kissed her cheek and stood up "Well then definitely whip cream it's a lot less messy." She gave him a big bright smile as he turned to leave "I'll be home later so get some sleep you're gonna need it if were using whip cream." She rolled over and did her hand like a cats "Grrrrr baby" _'You haven't had sex with me though since my hormones kicked in so I think you're the one that's going to be surprised.' _She thought as she giggled out loud to herself.

Edward got to work and changed he was unsuspecting that his mother and Mrs. Rockbell had decided to come see the show. As the two women took their seats Al showed up at their table to take their order "Uh….MOM! What are you doing here?" She smiled and looked at the drink menu "I came to see you and your brother" Scanning the menu she looked at Al "I think I'll have this thing called a fuzzy navel. It sounds kind of strange." Al wrote the order down as Mrs. Rockbell looked up "I think I'll have a sex on the beach" Both women blushed at the name of the drinks. At the next table they noticed some women doing Jell-O shots off Greed's stomach as he lay across the table and they blushed.

It was Mrs. McClanahan and her band of horny seniors. She looked over "Hey ya ladies first time here?" Trisha nodded yes. "Oh you're gonna love this place" she looked up "This is where my favorite bad boy dances" Leaning over some she whispered "And boy can he shake that money maker."

Al came back with their drinks "Here you guys go" he sat them on the table as Mrs. McClanahan told Greed to go to their table "Hey you have to try one of these." As Greed lay across their table and both women stared at him. Mrs. McClanahan walked over and demonstrated "You put the money here." She put it in his G-string "He'll pour the liquor here" Greed poured it on himself as she looked at them "Then you do this" she ran her tongue up the front of him. "C'mon now you try." Trisha shrugged and stood up as she shyly smiled at Greed and he smiled back "First time?" She nodded "Thought so your eyes are bigger than saucers right now." He took her hand "Relax." She took her money and with her shaky hand she stuck it in his G-String, cringing a little never touching anyone but her husband as he poured the drink on himself "Alright baby take your tongue and go for it" Greed told her as she held her hair back and licked up his stomach. She lifted her face and Mrs. Rockbell looked at her then she got this huge grin on her face "Sara you have to try this. IT'S EXHILARATING!" Sara got up and moved around the table as she did the same as Trisha putting her money in his G-string as he poured the drink and she licked her tongue up him. Her eyes were wide as she looked up at Trisha and grinned ear to ear. Then looking at Greed and smiling "How many of these may we do?"

He yelled for Envy who stood in sometimes for Jell-O shots and as he got to the table "Mrs. Elric what are you doing here?" Greed smiled "Envy here will take care of you ladies do as many as you want. I have to get ready for the show." Greed walked off and Envy stood there as Mrs. Rockbell looked up "Well boy lie down so we can get on with this." Envy felt weird letting his friend's mom lick liquor off him but they were paying good. Let's just say by the time the show started they were plastered.

The music started and it was ZZ Tops 'Sharp dressed man' as Edward took the stage. Mrs. McClanahan looked over to Trisha "There's my bad boy isn't he to die for?" Trisha looked up and saw her son dancing as she fell back in her seat when he came near them. The corner was dark so he couldn't see her but Mrs. McClanahan yelled out and stood up holding a hundred and Edward smiled at her as he danced towards her. The next thing Trisha saw was her son now straddling this older woman's lap grinding on her. He then got up and walked in front of their table bent over and ripped his Velcro pants off. Mrs. Rockbell's hands immediately went over her eyes but then she spread her fingers apart '_That is the father of my grandchild'_ she took a second look '_Oh my.'_

Edward turned around and saw his mother "MOM!" she waved her hand at him "It's okay honey I've seen it all before." She looked over towards the bar "Now where's your brother with my drink?" Looking back to Edward she shooed him off "Go make mama some money baby." Edward noticed that they were smashed to the gills and Envy was lying across there table with tons of ones in G-string.

After he got off work he had to make sure they made it to the hotel so he, Al and Envy drove them home and helped them up the stairs to their room. Upon walking in they were met by Hohenheim and Mr. Rockbell. The women were giggling like school girls and hanging all over the boys. Edward looked at his father "I'm sorry dad she's a little drunk." He sighed "A little Edward she's smashed" Al's face scrunched up "Yeah they were doing Jell-O shots off Envy."

When he said that both women turned to Envy as he stuck his hands in front of him "Oh no, No more ladies I already have a tongue rash on my stomach."

Mrs. Rockbell walked over and hung on her husband "Ho-Ho-Honey if you could shake it like him we'd have more children." She looked at Edward "No wonder my daughters in love with you your probably great in bed."

"HEY!" Trisha turned to her "That's my baby your talking to." She then smiled a goofy smile and whispered "He gets it from his father" Edward handed his mother off to his dad "Well….Uh we have to be going now but I'm glad you guys enjoyed the show" _'Not that you'll remember it in the morning I hope'_ Edward thought backing out the door pulling Al and Envy along with him as his mother blew kisses to him "Fry Pear I wov you." Edward saw the look he was getting from his father and Mr. Rockbell before he shut the door "Love you too mom" He looked at them "Well talk later." Then he shut the door hearing his father "Yes Edward we will talk later."


	10. Chapter 10

AN: Alright people I'm bringing this crazy monkey ride to a close. Let's just see if I have enough psychoticness left in my head to do this.

Sweet Hell chap.10

The Rockbell's and The Elric's decided they were going to pay for Winry and Ed's wedding as a present to the couple. But their one condition was the wedding had to take place in a week. Of course Edward freaked and Winry went hysterical wondering how they were going to pull it off so fast. Sara and Trisha had insisted that there be a Jell-O shot bar at the reception so Envy volunteered to be the Jell-O shot platform. Winry's mom and Trisha Elric had taken her to pick out her dress and they were a little concerned about it. It was a white lacy skin tight little number, strapless that barely past her ass cheeks, Edward on the other hand thought it was HOT!

As the day came closer the friends had been partying with each other. Due to the fact neither Winry nor Ed wanted a bachelor or bachelorette party (too much of a temptation for Ed Winry thought!) But Edward reassured her that she was the only woman for him and soon she would be more of the only woman for him. After she knocked him unconscious for that statement Al and Lyle carried him to the car from their brunch with their parents.

The day arrived and everyone was plastered of course before the wedding except Winry. Trisha had talked Edward into doing Jell-O shots before the wedding it seemed that had become Trisha and Sara's new pastime.

Alina was in charge of the wedding music and boy did she have a surprise for everyone. As Edward stumbled to the altar she slammed the play button on the as the music started Edward began to look around frantically thinking any second Michael Myers was going to attack him because the theme from '_Halloween' _was blasting through the speakers. Al snuck up behind him with a plastic knife and began doing jabbing motions at him "Eh, Eh, EH" Edward turned to Alina "Reeeeally" then he turned and punched Al in the face knocking him face first into a bridesmaids chest. As he looked up from her huge bosoms he grinned a toothless grin spiting his front tooth out starting a chain reaction. As the tooth flew through the air it hit Mr. Monrey in the eye and he in turn spun around with his drink spilling it on the front of Hohenheim's pants. Hohenheim jumped up and caught Lyle under the chin sending him backwards falling over the flower display. Knocking the flowers over as they fell at Winry's feet at the end of the isle and she face-palmed.

Edward was so drunk he didn't even remember the ceremony. Then as the reception rolled around no one was even sure he made it through that due to the fact he was face down on the table through the whole party snoring.

Envy was letting the mother in laws get their fill of Jell-O shots off him till Hohenheim and Mr. Rockbell shut it down due to the fact both women were on the dance floor trying their hand at stripping. Trisha kept yelling while swinging her hips "If my baby can do it so can I."

Lyle was in the car jacking off when Roy walked out "WHOA DUDE! AHHHH" he turned and walked away. A few hours later Roy opened the closet door to get someone's jacket and there was Lyle again "FUCK DUDE PUT THAT AWAY BEFORE YOU BLIND YOURSELF" It was a few hours later Roy saw Lyle on the couch and he walked over "What the fuck was all the jacking off for about dude?" Lyle looked up "You know those little blue pills they say if you have an erection for more than four hours to seek medical attention." Roy looked at him confused "Yeah" Lyle looked up "Well I don't have the money for medical attention so I'm making sure I get the most out of my erections." Roy just face-palmed then ran his hand down his face "So how long have you had the erection for?" Lyle smiled this stupid goofy smile "Just an hour." Roy couldn't take it anymore before he wanted to smack the crap out of him so he walked off.

Ling was dancing with Alina and Al was getting jealous as he watched them. He thought putting beads on the floor would make Ling slip and he could swoop in and save Alina before she hit the floor. Not taking into consideration all the fucking drunk people on the floor Al sprang his trap sending white beads from the necklace he lifted off of one of Mrs. McClanahan's senior friends as she napped in the salad dish. He watched as his plan back fired everyone began to slip and fall and Mrs. Authur slipped but didn't fall she rode the little white beads towards him flailing her arms and yelling "OH MY SOMEONE SAVE ME!" Upon seeing Al in front of her thinking he was trying to stop her "My night in shining armor" Al watched as the husky woman roared straight at him and upon landing on him she squashed him into the wall causing him to black out from suffocation.

Mr. Monrey had got his fill of Jell-O shots off a female named Muffy and he began to sashay his way onto the dance floor wiggling his hips to the music. Joining the two mother in laws he began his own little strip tease while bumping and grinding on Trisha and Sara which only pissed of Hohenheim and Mr. Rockbell.

Winry reached over and pulled Edward's head up by the hair "Edward look at your mother." Edward smiled a drunk smile "Look at your mother dear." Then he noticed what they were doing "Is my mother bumping and grinding on Mr. Monrey?" Winry turned to him "Yes" Edward stood up "WAY TO GO MOM!" then he face planted onto the ground.

Later that evening Envy found Mr. Monrey duct taped in the bathroom to the hand dryer by his ass cheeks. He had to call for help to get the poor man off so they didn't rip anything essential off him.

As the night wound down people were passed out everywhere. Thank god the reception was held in Edward's back yard.

As Edward awoke the next morning he grabbed his throbbing head not remembering anything from yesterday morning. He looked over and tapped Winry on the shoulder only when she turned over it was Riza "AHHHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?"

She smiled a sleepy smile and grinned "Don't you remember lover?" Edward thought for a minute but last night was a blur. She held up her left hand and showed him the ring "We got married last night lover. You told Winry she was a nice piece of ass but you needed a real woman." Edward was freaking out how the fuck could he do that? She leaned towards him "Give us a kiss" she puckered her lips at Edward and he fell out of the bed trying to get away from her. Just then the door flew open and Winry yelled "I GOT YOU, YOU FUCKER THAT WILL TEACH YOU NOT TO GET SMASHED BEYOND FUCKED UP AT MY WEDDING!"

Edward's eyes widened as he looked at Riza "We're not married then?" Riza laughed and took the ring off handing it back to Winry "No lover you married the right one and the only one." Edward fell backwards on the ground and began to breathe easily again as Winry leaned down "Do you love me Edward?" He looked up and her and narrowed his eyes "GO GET THE WHIP CREAM WOMAN MY HORMONES ARE IN CONTROL NOW!" and as she stood up he lifted up and smacked her ass.

**AN: I'm sorry people but my crazy ass sense of humor went completely into screwed up. I am glad this turkey ride is over now back to more serious things. This is what happens when you get a week off work. VIVA LA WORK! I can't wait to get back.**


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